story come look

[~Lilly~and~Zoe~]

this is some of my story please reply

LILLY AND ZOE WERE OUT AT SEA ON THERE DADS SPEAD BOAT ALONE. LILLY SPOTED AN ISLAND IN THE DISTANCE.THEY WHIZED OVER TO THE ISLAND IN A FLASH. IT STANK LIKE ROTTEN EGGS. SINCE THERE WAS NO FOOD NO SHOPS AND NO MAKE-UP THEY BOTH WANTED TO LEAVE THEM RAN OVER TO THERE BOAT. LILLY TRIED TO START THE BOAT BUT THEY HAD RUN OUT OF PETROL. ZOE WENT BILISTIC LILLY TRIED TO CALL SOMEONE BUT SHE HAD NO SIGNIL. IN THE DISDANCE THE SAW A TREE HOUSE THEY SCURRYED OVER TO THE TREE WHEN THEY GOT IN SIDE THERE WERE BONES EVERYWHERE. ON THE WALL THERE WAS !A MAP TO A HIDDEN BOAT!

 

[Kerriri]

its okay but if it had more discription and details it would probably be a page, which is what u want. its very jumpy and you can explain thigs better. its a great story line tho

 

[Lava-Light]

It's good.

Could do with more description, and it could be a little longer.

Other wise; keep up the great work! ^_^

 

[I love pink and me]

[SIZE=14pt] wow great beging of a story keep up the good work ^_^ [/SIZE]

 

[Tamagirl_Desy]

Get ready for constructive critizim(sp?).

You REALLY need more detail and description. Like, who is Lily and Zoe? What do they look like?

If this is the starting ofyour story, I suggest starting again. You really need a proper intro, expaining who these girls are,

their history, why they were at their dads, and hwy they were on his speed boat alone. This maybe should be after the intro, closer to the

middle plot.

Also, spelling and puncuation. You really need to be careful when it comes to this. I can't understand alot of it.

Here. I'll give you an intro for this story so you can get an idea of what I mean:

"We really shouldn't be out here." Zoe said quietly, tip-toeing behind Lily. "Aw, why not? It'll be fun!" Lily reassured her sister.

But Zoe didn't think it would be that fun. She and her sister Lily had been visting their dad for the summer. Ever since their parents divorce,

Zoe has been too afraid to take risks. Lily, on the other hand, takes risks all the time. Didn't she feel the way Zoe did? Sadness, and even hatred?

Zoe hated her parents for spiltting up. And she hated herself too. It was my fault, she thought to herself as she stared into the starless sky.

Lily pulled on Zoes arm and dragged her up to the dock. The speed boat sat in the still water, and it seemed as if it was calling out their names.

"Are you sure Lily?" Zoe asked, her throat becoming rather dry. A cold wind blew, and Zoe hugged herself to keep warm. Lily nodded. "Of course."

She would do anything to get away from her parents. From her life. So much pain....so many tears. Well, she and her sister would find a place on their own

where there would be no pain, no fear, or no doubt. But Zoe didn't know this. She thought they were merely going out for a moonlight ride because her sister liked

to take dangerous risks. Oh Lily had much bigger plans. MUCH bigger plans...."

Then carry on into the story like that. I honestly think that with some more detail, description, and puncuation/spelling checks it would be a good story. A proper intro is always the key for a good story. You have a great idea...just expand.