story im writting

[Midnight shadow]

“Mum I’m home” I said while unlocking the door. She didn’t reply and was now where in sight. I checked upstairs and all the rooms nowhere .I checked outside not there. I stared to worry. I called her mobile some guy picked up. “Hello” he said. “Um” I replied. I start crying. I didn’t know what to do. Then the man said “who are you”. I took a big breath and calmly told the guy Anna brown.” Your Tina brown daughter” he said. “Yes” I replied. I knew what he was going to say next what had she done “Well um she dead’ he said. “What” I yelled into the phone and hung up.

I went in a car to aunt daisy’s I was scared .I hadn’t met her before.

Mums funeral was the week before. The man had called back and told me what was going to happen he said he didn’t how she died. I had picked up some pencils paper food and money.

. Then we where there her husband showed me to my room. I lay there then aunt daisy came in with a dog at he heels and a bird on her shoulder. She said to come outside she had something to show me so I went out side the first thing I saw was a horse black all over except a white patch over on shoulder aunt daisy said “she is yours” I ask her how old she is she replies “5 years old” “what is her name” I say “splash” she says and walks inside

what you think i will right more

any one whatn to be an editor

 

[Ichigotchi_Piggy]

Not too bad. But to be honest, you need to fix up your writing spelling and grammar and stuff. There's special etiquette for writing (if I'm using the right word). I'll edit it, if I may.

“Mum, I’m home!” I called while unlocking the door. She didn’t reply and was now where in sight. I checked upstairs and all the rooms nowhere. I checked outside not there. I stared to worry. I called her mobile some guy picked up.

“Hello,” he spoke.

“Um...” I replied, hesitating. I start crying. I didn’t know what to do.

Then the man asked, “who are you?”

I took a big breath and calmly told the guy that I was Anna Brown.

"You're Tina Brown's daughter, aren't you?” he figured..

“Yes,” I replied, scared to death. I knew what he was going to say next what had she done.

“Well, um...sh-sh-she's dead," he finally sputtered.

“What?!” I yelled into the phone and hung up.

I hopped in a car to Aunt Daisy's. I was scared. I hadn’t met her before.

Mom's funeral was the week before. The man had called back and told me what was going to happen. He said he didn’t how she died. I had picked up some pencils, paper, food and money.

Then we were. Her husband showed me to my room. I lay there then Aunt Daisy came in with a dog at her heels and a bird on her shoulder. She said to come outside she had something to show me so I went out side the first thing I saw was a horse black all over except a white patch over on shoulder.

Aunt daisy grinned. “She's yours.”

I gazed at the beautiful horse. She was so shiny. Hypnotizing. "How old is she?" I finally questioned.

she replied “5 years old, my dear.”

"What is her name?” I queried.

A big smile slowly appeared. "Splash," she responded. Then she disappeared inside.

1. Make sure you use words other than "said". For example, "queried" or "questioned" or "asked" if they ask a question. If they wait a bit, say "hesitated" or "sputtered".

2. All names have to be capitalized, even "Aunt Daisy".

3. When you list items (like pencils paper food and money) you must separate each item with a comma. You know that a comma is this: ,

4. When a character says something, they need their very own paragraph for their dialogue, even if they only say one word. For example...

"Hi," Jude greeted Jennifer.

"Hey," Jennifer responded. "How are you doing?"

"Swell!" Jude exclaimed.

That's what you're supposed to do. You can't do...

"Hi" Jude said to Jennifer. "Hey" Jennifer responded. "How are you doing" she said. "Swell" Jude responded.

5. Spelling. Double check your spelling. And make sure about homonyms. "What is a homonym?" you ask. Homonyms are words that sound like each other, but are spelt differently and have different meanings. For example, "where" and "wear". They both sound like each other but are spelt different. "Where" means like...a place. For example, if you ask, "where are you?" in a game of hide and seek. And "wear" means to wear clothing or something. Like wearing a bracelet or a shirt.

6. Be sure about separate sentences. For example, you can't say, "Lilly smiled at Jenna she linked arms with Jenna they skipped away into the night."

Now about the content of your story...it wasn't too bad.

 

[barky]

I'd like to be an editor, please!!

“Mum, I’m home!” I called, while unlocking the door. She didn’t reply and seemed to be no where in sight. I checked upstairs and all the rooms. Nowhere. I checked outside; still not there. I started to worry. I called her mobile, but some guy picked up.

“Hello?” he said.

“Umm...” I replied. I started crying. I didn’t know what else to do.

Then the man said, “Who are you?”

I took a big breath and calmly told the guy that I was Anna Brown.

"You're Tina Brown's daughter!” he exclaimed.

“Yes. And?” I replied. I knew what he was going to say next: what she had done.

“Well... Um... Sorry, but..." he trailed off. "Your mother's dead. I'm truely sorry."

“What?!” I yelled into the phone, hanging up.

Someone, I'm not quite sure who, took me in a sleek car to Aunt Daisy’s house. I was scared. I hadn’t met her before.

Mum's funeral had been the week before. The man had called back and told me what was going to happen. He said he didn’t how she died.

I had picked up some pencils, paper, food and money.

Suddenly, too suddenly, we arrived. Aunt Daisy's husband showed me to my room. I lay there until she came in with a dog at her heels and a bird on her shoulder. She said to come outside: she had something to show me. So I followed her outside. The first thing I saw was a... horse. It black all over, except a white patch over one shoulder.

Aunt Daisy said softly, “She is yours.”

I asked her how old she was. She replied “Five years old.”

“What's her name?” I wondered.

“Splash.” She turned and walked back inside the house.

Advice:

Keep in the same tense. I advise the past tense, it's just easier and flows better =D

Always put some sort of punctuation after speech, in the speech marks. Even if it isn't right: me and Ichigotchi_Piggy will sort it out

Oh, and don't use the word 'said' all the time. Try differing your 'said' words

Anyway, very good!!

 

[Ichigotchi_Piggy]

Splendid, barky! (And grammatical issue in the sentence: "Even if it isn't right: me and Ichigotchi_Piggy will sort it out ". Heh. Sorry, I'm a grammar freak. Well anyhoo, it's supposed to be "Ichigotchi_Piggy and I. Just a little grammar thing. Grammar can be frustrating, I know.)

By the way, it's spelt "writing", not "writting".

 

[barky]

Did I write 'writting'? I know it's 'writing'.... Typos >=[ dang computer. It's old

 

[barky]

Sorry! Another post, I know, but I've just realised I've made a mistake! Silly person...

It black all over, except a white patch over one shoulder.

Is meant to be:

It was completely black, except a white patch over one shoulder.