I guess a fanfiction or something.

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meowbark

September 2008 Contest Winner
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I don't think I could put this in Tamagotchi Fanfic so anyway I wanted somewere to post my Team 1 fanfic (My Naruto team yayz!) I may use some of my friend's characters as well ^^ So uh... Here we go!

It had been a little over 3 months' since she left... No one has seen her since. And since then, it was only Riku and Nonoko. Both had been missing her more than anything... Until today...

-Chapter 1! Enter: Ikazuchi Hageshii!-

It was about 9 am, Riku was fast asleep in her bed. Her black hair was everywere, bed a mess. There was a knock at the door, her mother had opened it. "Riku! Your friend is here! WAKE UP!" She yelled. Riku groaned "Tell her I'm sleeepinnnnng" "Your team is more important then sleep!" She yelled. Riku yawned, changed into a shirt and shorts, tied her hair back, put her glasses on, and walked out. "What is it Nonoko..." She yawned. "Ryuu-sensei told us to meet in the garden infront of the Academy! Remember!?" Nonoko smiled, her ponytails were purple as ever, and her bright pink eyes only made Riku groan. "Oh yeah... Let's go" She yawned, not even putting on her normal attire, nor headband. Nonoko grabbed Riku by the hand and dragged her out. Riku followed trying to fall asleep. As soon as they passed a ramen shop, Riku pulled away from Nonoko "Riku need breakfast" She yawned. "Not now!" Nonoko said pulling on Riku again. Riku groaned, it was a Saturday morning! What was Ryuu-sensei thinking!? Riku thought to herself. As soon as they arrived to the garden, Riku plopped on the Bench. The sun blinded her "Well Nonoko, what is it!?" Riku asked. "Shh Doggy!" Nonoko said. She was looking around for someone, obviously Ryuu. "Were is Sensei!?" She complained. A young boy approached instead, wearing a straw Chinese hat with the Leaf symbol on it, and a yellow top with brown pants he looked up "Oh crap...Please LORD don't tell me your my new teammates!" He groaned. "Wait... Ryuu assigned us a replacement for Kii!?" Riku groaned. "The least he could have done is told us!" "Hush doggy!" Nonoko smacked Riku. Riku just glared at Nonoko. The boy took off his hat, matted green hair, Nonoko could tell that was him "Ryuu told me not to tell you!" Nonoko giggled. "What be your name?" Riku asked. "My name is Ikazuchi Hageshii..." He growled. "You better not be weak Hageshii" Riku said plain and simple "I'm a Chuunin you whore!" He shouted. Riku just gave him a stare. "Hmph, so am I" She said yawning. Hageshii flipped her off "All girls are the same stuck up whores..." He smirked. Nonoko slapped him in the face, he rubbed his cheek groaning. "Hey Hageshii! If your hair is green, are your pubes green to!?" She asked. Hageshii stared at her, his face turned green "Thats none of your buisness!" He shouted. Riku just smirked. "Well my sensei told me that he would be here soon to assign us a mission" Hageshii said still sort of mad. Riku nodded "Well let's wait then..."

-End Chapter 1-

 
Okay, you really need to improve your writing skills. To be honest, this couldn't be a chapter. It's a PARAGRAPH.

If you're writing a story, it shouldn't look like this:

TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST "TEKST TEKST TEKST" TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST" TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST" TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST
It should be like this:

TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST

"TEKST TEKST TEKST " TEKST TEKST TEKST

"TEKST TEKST TEKST " TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST

TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST TEKST
For one, USE NEW LINES.

Seriously, you really need to know to start a new line when a character is talking.

BAD:

"Wait... Ryuu assigned us a replacement for Kii!?" Riku groaned. "The least he could have done is told us!" "Hush doggy!" Nonoko smacked Riku.
GOOD:

"Wait... Ryuu assigned us a replacement for Kii!?" Riku groaned. "The least he could have done is told us!""Hush doggy!" Nonoko smacked Riku.
"Your team is more important then sleep!" She yelled.
Oh really? I suppose it's more important that breathing and eating, too.

Seriously, this was so bad... your characters argued on end... you used no metaphores or clever descriptions whatsoever... to be plain, it sucked.

 

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