My story

[Brambleclaw]

Well, I'll start now....

I sat in my room, hopeless. Light the light inside me flickered out. All my friends get dates, why not my. I can't stand to go the dance alone. I need true love. I have a crush, but he probably doesn't like me. So I sight her, sulking, and not even asking him? What am I to do?

 

[VannessaHudgensFan102]

if that was a poem good job if it was a story sad

 

[Brambleclaw]

Its the start of a story.

 

[pyonchit]

"I sat in my room, hopeless. Light the light inside me flickered out. All my friends getgot dates, why not myme? . I can'tcouldn't stand to go the dance alone. I needed true love. I havehad a crush, but he probably doesn'tdidn't like me. So I sight sit herhere, sulking, and without not even asking him? What am was I to do? "

This whole thing is a mess of tense. 2nd tense is bad for reading and it is hard to get through a book in 2nd tense.

Also, are you aware about what a mary sue is? I suggest you re-evaluate that, and probably not have a self insert then.

Dating doesn't really make a revolutionary story. You kinda need to dig deeper then sulking about not going out with a cute guy.

 

[BritishGurl4Ever]

oooo. very good start to a story. a bit sad.. but still good.

 

[Brambleclaw]

I sat in my room, hopeless. Light the light inside me flickered out. All my friends get dates, why not my. I can't stand to go the dance alone. I need true love. I have a crush, but he probably doesn't like me. So I sight her, sulking, and not even asking him? What am I to do?
This whole thing is a mess of tense. Also, are you aware about what a mary sue is? I suggest you re-evaluate that, and probably not have a self insert then.

Dating doesn't really make a revolutionary story. You kinda need to dig deeper then sulking about not going out with a cute guy.

I think its nice that you think my begining is a mess-NOT! Could you be and more rude? Jeese...

 

[pyonchit]

Mess of tense means that your tense is inconsistent. And most schools teach you to never ever use second tense. I personally think that tense is okay for like, "how to" guides and things.

If you didn't want to have critique, you shouldn't have posted it.

Critique is for people to improve. I believe that all artists should be open to critique when they are posting an in-progress work.

 

[Misery]

I think its nice that you think my begining is a mess-NOT! Could you be and more rude? Jeese...

Hey? She's expressing her opinion. I'd have to agree with it.

The subect matter is shallow, past and future is mixed up, spelling errors.

No offence. I'm just brutaly honest.

 

[VannessaHudgensFan102]

Very Good