Please Rate

[Silversakura]

I am currently writing a Warriors Fan fic this is what I have so far:

Chapter One

“What beautiful kits!” A tabby announced. She was looking at her sisters kits, a warm glow in her eyes.

“Thank you”...The queen replied quietly, trying not to awake the newborn kits that were at her belly. “But can you be more quiet, Robinwing? I dont want to wake them...

“Oh...right!”...whispered Robinwing, reaching down to lick her sisters head. “I think Eagleflight is coming back with some fresh kill for you”...Robinwings meow trailed off as Eagleflight, a powerful tom walked in the nursery, a mouse in his jaws. He silently laid it in front of his mate, and she replied by throwing him a gratful look.

“They are wonderful kits.” He mewed softly. “What do you think their names should be, Featherwhisker?” Eagleflight sat down, waiting for a reply. There was a long silence, and the Featherwhisker began to speak.

“Well, I think this one shall be Willowpaw, and this one....

What do you think? Comments/Suggestions?

 

[Silversakura]

Im writing more

 

[tamatalker101]

It sounds awesome so far. Try braking up into paragraphs. You'll be an awesome writer!

 

[Silversakura]

Thanks ^-^ Yeah, I have trouble with that xD

 

[~TearsxarexlikexStorms~]

Need...more xD

Very very good. I once tried to write fan fiction. Lets just say you...don't wanna know.

 

[Zoriia]

It's a very good fanfic, but thats kinda short. You should finish your chapter before you ask anyone how it is. Either way, very well done.

 

[**~CatxLoverxForever~**]

Agreedness with Zoriia. ^^ Its very good ^^ I tried, Not working >.>

 

[pyonchit]

Character development. Every story needs it, or else the story would only be a one-sided string of events (much like the majority of fanfiction.)

 

[SyrianPacsis]

... Good lord...

That isn't even a chapter. That's more like one or two paragraphs... Maybe enough to entertain a first grader...

First, what is the plot? What is going on? You dropped the readers into the piece and everyone is only wondering who the hell these people are. Some people will be new to the series, so you don't write like that assuming people will know.

Second, you started with the kids being born. You got to ONE of them being named, four sentences later, and ended right there. If you posted this anywhere with any competent reviewers, people would rip you apart.

Third, your writing is completely bland. You write out what they do. That's it. This day and age, you need a little flavor. Like this...

If you write...

Refia puts on her robe.

That wouldn't be acceptable, as it is flavorless. But, if you tried like this...

Refia, the High Priestess from Alberta, put on her Lunatic-fur robe to warm up.

That has more flavor. It conveys the same message, but now the reader knows Refia is a High Priestess, born in Alberta, and her robe is made of Lunatic fur. This brings a little more substance to the sentence, so people get a better idea of what she is like. Adding flavor can turn a single, simple sentence into one of the most meaningful portions of a chapter.