cutie_pop
Well-known member
I wrote this a few years back and posted it in the Library here on TT and I edited it a tiny bit and I was wondering if you could give me tips on things such as if the start to the story is okay and if I need to add a bit more detail to explain more about the main character's life and also small things like details, description etc.
Here it is! (By the way, it's a "bit" long...>.<
I walked down the endless footpath. It was like seeing a bright, heavenly light at the end of a tunnel which got longer and longer as you frantically tried to run towards it. I sighed and looked up at the sky which seemed to reflect my feelings. There were grey, gloomy clouds which hung low, threatening to cry it’s many tears. "Mum, I miss you so much. Why did you leave me? I feel…so..alone…” My voice shook as I said it and I felt a warm, salty tear trickling slowly side down the side of my face.
My mum named me Skye. She said it was because I had the most beautiful blue eyes were as though the angels in heaven had decided to use the glorious blue of the sky to colour my eyes and because she wanted me to run after my dreams no matter what happened. Flying high and reaching for the sky.
I turned the total opposite way to my house. Susan's house. She wouldn't mind if I was a bit late. I like her but to me, she will never be someone I can trust, someone I can talk to when things arn’t okay. As I past a corner, I felt an arm reaching out for me and pulling me back, whoever it was covered my mouth, muffling my scream. I shoved and kick but nothing happened. I was dragged into a small van.
The stranger tied my feet and arms together and I couldn't do anything about it.
*********** ******************
I was lead to a chair and forced down into it by a tall figure. A light overhead let out a poor pool of light. I was shaking all over, not able to control myself. My legs had gone numb and were still tied tightly together.
"W...what dddo you want with mme?" I stammered. The tall figure let out an evil laugh. A few other laughs followed and I knew that I had no chance of escape. "Well what do you think little girl?" asked a hollow voice behind me. A man stepped out of the darkness and put his head right up close to mine. "We want MONEY that's what!"
His breath smelled of smoke and faintly of beer. He gave me a piercing stare that seemed to bore holes right through me. I dared not to move or speak.
"Susan Smith, richest for miles around, I've heard." Someone untied the rope around my wrists and shoved a phone in my hand. "You have 30 seconds to phone her, ask for help and tell her to bring $1,000,000,000." I heard a click and the stranger put a sharp knife right up to my neck. "Or else."
I had no choice but to follow these instructions. But then I thought for a second. Hang on, if I die, I'll be with my mum. Susan is just an adopted mum. She wouldn't care less. Getting stabbed will only take a second.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath then started to punch a few numbers with a shaky hand taking as long as I could. "1...2...3...4..................28...29...3-" This is it, I'll see my mum again. It won't be too bad.
BANG a door on my right opened and a bright light filled every corner of the room. I sheilded my eyes and slowly looked to see a boy, no older than I was standing at the door.
************** ********************
The boy strolled in as if he did it every day. "Well well well. We meet again Xylox." he said in a careless tone. He seemed to be talking to the stranger who had the gun aimed at my head. The men around me groaned in an annoyed way.
Xylox took the gun away from my head and aimed it at the boy. The boy didn't move, nor did he flinch but looked Xylox right in the eye. I squeezed my eyes, tight. BANG. I screamed but no one seemed to take any notice. I opened 1 eye, just a bit and gasped. He was still there, standing in the exact same spot.
He sighed and took something small which seemed to be squished into his shirt. It was the bullet that had been shot! Before I had any time to think, he charged himself at Xylox and kicked him in the stomach before Xylox could defend himself.
The other men backed away as if in fright but the boy went for them as well. One by one, he kicked, dodged, punched them all. After he had finished with the last of the remaining men. His gaze fell upon me.
He ran towards me and got out a small, sharp pocket knife. He cut the rope tying my feet in a swift move of his arm and before I could thank him, he grabbed my wrist and ran out of the room. We ran and ran past the van that I was pushed into.
I didn't know where we were going but the boy kept going until we were behind an old building which wasn't being used. He sat down, panting. I sunk down next to him, realising for the first time that I was exhausted.
He looked at me with big, brown, puppy dog eyes. "Are you alright?" His voice was quite soft and full of warmth. I smiled and nodded. "Thanks for saving me." He smiled and raked a hand through his blonde hair. But his hair soon dropped back into place, covering most of his eyes.
He jutted out his lips like a small boy and tried to set his hair back up but failed again. I laughed and soon, he joined in.
************** ********************
When I was 4, my mum died from a sickness, I don't remember what it was but it was a horrible kind of sickness. My dad left us when I was 2. My mum and I promised that we would stick together, always and be there for each other, no matter what happened.
I stood in front of the door with my bag swung over one shoulder. I sighed. Why didn't I ask for the boys name? I banged my head on the door a couple of times. "Ouch!" I rubbed my head in an annoyed way. "Sky? Are you alright?" Susan rushed up to me with worried eyes. "Yes, I'm fine." I said. "Now, don't be late again alright? You made me worried! I was about to ring the police!" I looked up at my adopted mum, she still looked worried, her forehead creased.
"I promise I'll come home early. Like I said, I was just helping the teacher, I didn't notice the time fly by." I lied. "Ok then Sky. See you honey." She planted a kiss on my cheek. I waved and walked out the door.
*****************************
I sat in the classroom while everyone else buzzed excitedly. My friend, Aya who sat in front of me, turned around. Her eyes sparkled. "Hey have you heard about the new guy?" she asked. I shook my head. "I heard that his mum is an exactrees!" "Oh my gosh, really?" I asked, pretending to be hyped up. I couldn't care less. My head was swimming with thoughts about the boy I saw the day before. I probably wouldn't ever see him again...
The classroom door creaked open and our teacher, Mrs Klink, walked in in a classy kind of way. "Class, I'd like you to give a warm welcome to...Kai Slater!" Even the teacher looked super excited. Kai's probably another one of those normal guys that full around and....
I froze, my eyes wide with shoke. It can't be! There, standing in front of the class was the boy who had saved me yesterday. His uniform looked brand new, crisp and clean. He almost looked a bit more sensible. His eyes swivelled around the classroom, taking in his new classroom and classmates. His eyes then landed on me and stayed there for a while, then moved onto the rest of the unexplored part of the classroom.
The class broke into a burst of excited whispers. I felt sorry for the guy, with all this attention. He'd probably be followed around by everyone like he was some kind of extremely famous celebrity.
The teacher finally spoke. "Kai, can you sit next to..." her eyes drifted around, searching for an empty seat. "Sky." she pointed over to me. As Kai strode past rows and rows of desks, everyones eyes followed him. Wishing that he could sit next to them. They all looked at me with jealous eyes as Kai sat down.
When the teacher and the class's eyes turned to the black board, Kai winked at me. "Fancy seeing you here."
****************** *************************
I sat there, daydreaming while the teacher droned on and on about settlement. I heard a silent giggle and turned to see who it was. Hannah Brown was laughing and whispering together with Kai. I felt like needles were jabbing me. I paused. Wait a minute...is this...jealousy?
I thought about this for a second. No way! Why would I be jealous? Hannah giggled again and something seemed to pull at my heart in an annoyed way. No way! It can't be..it just couldn't...
******************
I lay on my bed, racking my brain for an answer. I need to work this out. I tried to get my thoughts off it but whenever I tried, the question seemed to slide and push into my head as if wanting attention. Bothering me and wailing, wanting to be solved.
I jumped off my bed and raced down the stairs. "Su-Mum, I'm going to go for a walk." I shouted, walking out the door, not waiting for an answer. I walked down the footpath at a fast pace. After about 5 minutes, I got to my destination.
The beach. The sun beat down on the sea, making it gleam and shine. I took my sandals off, and settled down in a shady area. The beach seemed to have a magical power, it washed away all your worries and annoying thoughts. It seemed to be an extra magical place for me, it helped me solve my problems when they got complicated.
Well...Kai did save me from Xylox, he was really kind...and...he was kind of...a bit...
Footsteps interrupted my thoughts, I looked up to see someone coming down to the beach, he kind of looked familiar in a way....I wonder who it is...he has blond, wavy hair and is a slender figure. He looks over in my direction and my heart skips a beat. His lips curl into a small and happy smile.
"Hey." he says and sits down next to me. "Hey Kai."
****************** ***
I think the last bit DEFINITELY needs to be edited and so does the Kai entering school thing. What do you think and also, thanks for taking your time to read this! ^^ I really appreciate it!
Here it is! (By the way, it's a "bit" long...>.<
I walked down the endless footpath. It was like seeing a bright, heavenly light at the end of a tunnel which got longer and longer as you frantically tried to run towards it. I sighed and looked up at the sky which seemed to reflect my feelings. There were grey, gloomy clouds which hung low, threatening to cry it’s many tears. "Mum, I miss you so much. Why did you leave me? I feel…so..alone…” My voice shook as I said it and I felt a warm, salty tear trickling slowly side down the side of my face.
My mum named me Skye. She said it was because I had the most beautiful blue eyes were as though the angels in heaven had decided to use the glorious blue of the sky to colour my eyes and because she wanted me to run after my dreams no matter what happened. Flying high and reaching for the sky.
I turned the total opposite way to my house. Susan's house. She wouldn't mind if I was a bit late. I like her but to me, she will never be someone I can trust, someone I can talk to when things arn’t okay. As I past a corner, I felt an arm reaching out for me and pulling me back, whoever it was covered my mouth, muffling my scream. I shoved and kick but nothing happened. I was dragged into a small van.
The stranger tied my feet and arms together and I couldn't do anything about it.
*********** ******************
I was lead to a chair and forced down into it by a tall figure. A light overhead let out a poor pool of light. I was shaking all over, not able to control myself. My legs had gone numb and were still tied tightly together.
"W...what dddo you want with mme?" I stammered. The tall figure let out an evil laugh. A few other laughs followed and I knew that I had no chance of escape. "Well what do you think little girl?" asked a hollow voice behind me. A man stepped out of the darkness and put his head right up close to mine. "We want MONEY that's what!"
His breath smelled of smoke and faintly of beer. He gave me a piercing stare that seemed to bore holes right through me. I dared not to move or speak.
"Susan Smith, richest for miles around, I've heard." Someone untied the rope around my wrists and shoved a phone in my hand. "You have 30 seconds to phone her, ask for help and tell her to bring $1,000,000,000." I heard a click and the stranger put a sharp knife right up to my neck. "Or else."
I had no choice but to follow these instructions. But then I thought for a second. Hang on, if I die, I'll be with my mum. Susan is just an adopted mum. She wouldn't care less. Getting stabbed will only take a second.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath then started to punch a few numbers with a shaky hand taking as long as I could. "1...2...3...4..................28...29...3-" This is it, I'll see my mum again. It won't be too bad.
BANG a door on my right opened and a bright light filled every corner of the room. I sheilded my eyes and slowly looked to see a boy, no older than I was standing at the door.
************** ********************
The boy strolled in as if he did it every day. "Well well well. We meet again Xylox." he said in a careless tone. He seemed to be talking to the stranger who had the gun aimed at my head. The men around me groaned in an annoyed way.
Xylox took the gun away from my head and aimed it at the boy. The boy didn't move, nor did he flinch but looked Xylox right in the eye. I squeezed my eyes, tight. BANG. I screamed but no one seemed to take any notice. I opened 1 eye, just a bit and gasped. He was still there, standing in the exact same spot.
He sighed and took something small which seemed to be squished into his shirt. It was the bullet that had been shot! Before I had any time to think, he charged himself at Xylox and kicked him in the stomach before Xylox could defend himself.
The other men backed away as if in fright but the boy went for them as well. One by one, he kicked, dodged, punched them all. After he had finished with the last of the remaining men. His gaze fell upon me.
He ran towards me and got out a small, sharp pocket knife. He cut the rope tying my feet in a swift move of his arm and before I could thank him, he grabbed my wrist and ran out of the room. We ran and ran past the van that I was pushed into.
I didn't know where we were going but the boy kept going until we were behind an old building which wasn't being used. He sat down, panting. I sunk down next to him, realising for the first time that I was exhausted.
He looked at me with big, brown, puppy dog eyes. "Are you alright?" His voice was quite soft and full of warmth. I smiled and nodded. "Thanks for saving me." He smiled and raked a hand through his blonde hair. But his hair soon dropped back into place, covering most of his eyes.
He jutted out his lips like a small boy and tried to set his hair back up but failed again. I laughed and soon, he joined in.
************** ********************
When I was 4, my mum died from a sickness, I don't remember what it was but it was a horrible kind of sickness. My dad left us when I was 2. My mum and I promised that we would stick together, always and be there for each other, no matter what happened.
I stood in front of the door with my bag swung over one shoulder. I sighed. Why didn't I ask for the boys name? I banged my head on the door a couple of times. "Ouch!" I rubbed my head in an annoyed way. "Sky? Are you alright?" Susan rushed up to me with worried eyes. "Yes, I'm fine." I said. "Now, don't be late again alright? You made me worried! I was about to ring the police!" I looked up at my adopted mum, she still looked worried, her forehead creased.
"I promise I'll come home early. Like I said, I was just helping the teacher, I didn't notice the time fly by." I lied. "Ok then Sky. See you honey." She planted a kiss on my cheek. I waved and walked out the door.
*****************************
I sat in the classroom while everyone else buzzed excitedly. My friend, Aya who sat in front of me, turned around. Her eyes sparkled. "Hey have you heard about the new guy?" she asked. I shook my head. "I heard that his mum is an exactrees!" "Oh my gosh, really?" I asked, pretending to be hyped up. I couldn't care less. My head was swimming with thoughts about the boy I saw the day before. I probably wouldn't ever see him again...
The classroom door creaked open and our teacher, Mrs Klink, walked in in a classy kind of way. "Class, I'd like you to give a warm welcome to...Kai Slater!" Even the teacher looked super excited. Kai's probably another one of those normal guys that full around and....
I froze, my eyes wide with shoke. It can't be! There, standing in front of the class was the boy who had saved me yesterday. His uniform looked brand new, crisp and clean. He almost looked a bit more sensible. His eyes swivelled around the classroom, taking in his new classroom and classmates. His eyes then landed on me and stayed there for a while, then moved onto the rest of the unexplored part of the classroom.
The class broke into a burst of excited whispers. I felt sorry for the guy, with all this attention. He'd probably be followed around by everyone like he was some kind of extremely famous celebrity.
The teacher finally spoke. "Kai, can you sit next to..." her eyes drifted around, searching for an empty seat. "Sky." she pointed over to me. As Kai strode past rows and rows of desks, everyones eyes followed him. Wishing that he could sit next to them. They all looked at me with jealous eyes as Kai sat down.
When the teacher and the class's eyes turned to the black board, Kai winked at me. "Fancy seeing you here."
****************** *************************
I sat there, daydreaming while the teacher droned on and on about settlement. I heard a silent giggle and turned to see who it was. Hannah Brown was laughing and whispering together with Kai. I felt like needles were jabbing me. I paused. Wait a minute...is this...jealousy?
I thought about this for a second. No way! Why would I be jealous? Hannah giggled again and something seemed to pull at my heart in an annoyed way. No way! It can't be..it just couldn't...
******************
I lay on my bed, racking my brain for an answer. I need to work this out. I tried to get my thoughts off it but whenever I tried, the question seemed to slide and push into my head as if wanting attention. Bothering me and wailing, wanting to be solved.
I jumped off my bed and raced down the stairs. "Su-Mum, I'm going to go for a walk." I shouted, walking out the door, not waiting for an answer. I walked down the footpath at a fast pace. After about 5 minutes, I got to my destination.
The beach. The sun beat down on the sea, making it gleam and shine. I took my sandals off, and settled down in a shady area. The beach seemed to have a magical power, it washed away all your worries and annoying thoughts. It seemed to be an extra magical place for me, it helped me solve my problems when they got complicated.
Well...Kai did save me from Xylox, he was really kind...and...he was kind of...a bit...
Footsteps interrupted my thoughts, I looked up to see someone coming down to the beach, he kind of looked familiar in a way....I wonder who it is...he has blond, wavy hair and is a slender figure. He looks over in my direction and my heart skips a beat. His lips curl into a small and happy smile.
"Hey." he says and sits down next to me. "Hey Kai."
****************** ***
I think the last bit DEFINITELY needs to be edited and so does the Kai entering school thing. What do you think and also, thanks for taking your time to read this! ^^ I really appreciate it!
It'll be romantic and ya.~Byeez 
