There Must Be Physical Attraction

[Badger_42]

I have read through many many "advice" topics and questions, to which many people answered things like "but going out with them based on looks is shallow". And "no dont go out with them they only like how you look' blah blah blah.

Firstly: 'Going Out' or 'dating' is not EXCLUSIVE. Being someones GF/BF is. You can date as many people as you want at a time as long as your not 'in a relationship' with them.

**So what harm will a date do then? One date, were not talking marraige**

Secondly: If there is no physical attraction, how would that work? You'll have to find them somewhat attractive/astheticly pleasing. If you dont find someone attractive they would probly just be your friend no matter how cool they are, you still have to find them pleasing to the eye.

**This doesnt mean your friends think their hot, what do you actually think**

What I'm saying is that if you deny these people, your being just as shallow as you assume they are (unless you don't find them attractive at all, in which case it's okay!). Maybe they thoguht you looked cool. Who knows. But you will never find out what they are like if you say no.

Friends first? Well for a lot of you youngin's out there in Tamaland saying this blasfamous thing...:

If someone who was really truly your friend, would you really want to date them? Wouldent they be more like a sibling? If you broke up would you be okay with hurting them?

When your an adult its rare that people that are actual friends (and I mean actual friends, the people you call to go to a ball game and play video games, people you hang out with just to be in their company Not Cliques) before dating. More of accaintences. And then it's still based on looks and who seems pretty cool.

So the moral is...

If you are rejecting these people and are serious about dating, I don't know how you ever expect to meet somebody. Your not going to randomly find your best guy friend atractive one day seriously. You know you have a 'celeb crush' and who cares. We are all shallow to some extent, our shallowness no matter how we try to disguise it is what make us have a 'type' and in the end makes us end up with some one we want to touch and look at (no matter how displeasing to everyone else).

**But alas you probly are not serious about dating if you are posting these things. I was just hoping everyone may one day admit that shallowness is in all us**

 

[Ceauşescu]

Firstly: 'Going Out' or 'dating' is not EXCLUSIVE. Being someones GF/BF is. You can date as many people as you want at a time as long as your not 'in a relationship' with them.
**So what harm will a date do then? One date, were not talking marraige**

Do you mean to say that if you were "seeing" someone - not in a relationship (yet?) but getting to know someone with the intent of becoming their girlfriend/boyfriend - that you wouldn't be hurt by the fact that they were going on dates with someone else? I certainly won't be too pleased - unless this "dating" was just a way of becoming friends with them first. This also contradicts one of your later points about how unrealistic relationships between friends are. I'll come back to that later. For the benefit of my reply I'm going to ignore this opening paragraph. The only distinctions I'm going to make are between strangers, friends and couples/partners.

Secondly: If there is no physical attraction, how would that work? You'll have to find them somewhat attractive/astheticly pleasing. If you dont find someone attractive they would probly just be your friend no matter how cool they are, you still have to find them pleasing to the eye.
**This doesnt mean your friends think their hot, what do you actually think**

What I'm saying is that if you deny these people, your being just as shallow as you assume they are (unless you don't find them attractive at all, in which case it's okay!). Maybe they thoguht you looked cool. Who knows. But you will never find out what they are like if you say no.

Well, it's a given that it helps to find someone attractive initially - if you don't feel yourself drawn to them in some way, there would be no reason to pursue a relationship. HOWEVER: physical attractiveness isn't the only thing that people can be drawn to. Sometimes I find myself noticing people for the things they say, or the way they carry themselves. I have certainly never been in a relationship with someone who is "conventionally attractive". Not that there's anything wrong with liking people because they are phsyically attractive, but I think it helps to know the person before you make any decisions.

Moving on:

Friends first? Well for a lot of you youngin's out there in Tamaland saying this blasfamous thing...:
If someone who was really truly your friend, would you really want to date them? Wouldent they be more like a sibling? If you broke up would you be okay with hurting them?

When your an adult its rare that people that are actual friends (and I mean actual friends, the people you call to go to a ball game and play video games, people you hang out with just to be in their company Not Cliques) before dating. More of accaintences. And then it's still based on looks and who seems pretty cool.

The best relationships I have seen, or have been present in have been the ones where people have been friends first. It means that there is already trust there, which makes everything all the more rewarding. Now, I can inderstand how someone may feel uncomfortable in starting a relationship with a friend out of the blue, but I feel that there is absolutely nothing wrong in letting a friendship grow into something more organically - that is, with no one person doing the chasing - just a natural progression with leads to a relationship. I am currently with one of my best friends, and have been for the last year and a half or so, and I've never been so happy. We know each other well, and understand each other much better than a lot of the forced (by forced, I mean relationships which have come about between people who haven't known each other well beforehand) couples we know. And somehow, we have never had an argument. I still class him as one of my best friends, as I think it's important not to make too much of a distinction between good friends and partners. I feel that too many people feel the need to keep the two separate, and so usually end up having to choose between one and the other.

So the moral is...

   If you are rejecting these people and are serious about dating, I don't know how you ever expect to meet somebody. Your not going to randomly find your best guy friend atractive one day seriously. You know you have a 'celeb crush' and who cares. We are all shallow to some extent, our shallowness no matter how we try to disguise it is what make us have a 'type' and in the end makes us end up with some one we want to touch and look at (no matter how displeasing to everyone else).

**But alas you probly are not serious about dating if you are posting these things. I was just hoping everyone may one day admit that shallowness is in all us**

Ok, my conclusion: I don't think there is anything wrong with attractiveness sparking an interest first, but, in my opinion, it is better in the long run to get to know the person PROPERLY (as if they were a good friend) before moving on. Please don't let the way someone's looks be the ONLY thing you are interested in.

Apologies for length, but this is a subject I feel strongly about. I welcome other people to make their views known so that we may discuss it.

 

[TigerLily013]

Do you mean to say that if you were "seeing" someone - not in a relationship (yet?) but getting to know someone with the intent of becoming their girlfriend/boyfriend - that you wouldn't be hurt by the fact that they were going on dates with someone else? I certainly won't be too pleased - unless this "dating" was just a way of becoming friends with them first. This also contradicts one of your later points about how unrealistic relationships between friends are. I'll come back to that later. For the benefit of my reply I'm going to ignore this opening paragraph. The only distinctions I'm going to make are between strangers, friends and couples/partners.

Well, it's a given that it helps to find someone attractive initially - if you don't feel yourself drawn to them in some way, there would be no reason to pursue a relationship. HOWEVER: physical attractiveness isn't the only thing that people can be drawn to. Sometimes I find myself noticing people for the things they say, or the way they carry themselves. I have certainly never been in a relationship with someone who is "conventionally attractive". Not that there's anything wrong with liking people because they are phsyically attractive, but I think it helps to know the person before you make any decisions.

Moving on:

The best relationships I have seen, or have been present in have been the ones where people have been friends first. It means that there is already trust there, which makes everything all the more rewarding. Now, I can inderstand how someone may feel uncomfortable in starting a relationship with a friend out of the blue, but I feel that there is absolutely nothing wrong in letting a friendship grow into something more organically - that is, with no one person doing the chasing - just a natural progression with leads to a relationship. I am currently with one of my best friends, and have been for the last year and a half or so, and I've never been so happy. We know each other well, and understand each other much better than a lot of the forced (by forced, I mean relationships which have come about between people who haven't known each other well beforehand) couples we know. And somehow, we have never had an argument. I still class him as one of my best friends, as I think it's important not to make too much of a distinction between good friends and partners. I feel that too many people feel the need to keep the two separate, and so usually end up having to choose between one and the other.

Ok, my conclusion: I don't think there is anything wrong with attractiveness sparking an interest first, but, in my opinion, it is better in the long run to get to know the person PROPERLY (as if they were a good friend) before moving on. Please don't let the way someone's looks be the ONLY thing you are interested in.

Apologies for length, but this is a subject I feel strongly about. I welcome other people to make their views known so that we may discuss it.

I totally agree with you Ceau. You made some very valid points, and basically took the words right out of my mouth! :furawatchi:

 

[pyonchit]

Well, I don't find attractiveness a major factor. Attractiveness will never make up for lacking any other part in a relationship.

You don't go out with someone /because/ you like the way you look. If they were all cute and no brains... >.> Well, that wouldn't be good quality, would it?

If you go out with someone, I think it should be because of personality. Hopefully some looks can be mixed in there too.

**Not that I date. It's really a lot of drama that I don't need to deal with.

 

[Badger_42]

Dont get me wrong guys im not saying the attraction is the only thing. It's a major part and I dont mean just pyshically I mean first impression wise.

Do you mean to say that if you were "seeing" someone - not in a relationship (yet?) but getting to know someone with the intent of becoming their girlfriend/boyfriend - that you wouldn't be hurt by the fact that they were going on dates with someone else? I certainly won't be too pleased - unless this "dating" was just a way of becoming friends with them first. This also contradicts one of your later points about how unrealistic relationships between friends are. I'll come back to that later. For the benefit of my reply I'm going to ignore this opening paragraph. The only distinctions I'm going to make are between strangers, friends and couples/partners.

When your dating someone with full intent of becoming their boyfriend or girlfriend you ask "are you seeing anyone else" to make sure you know where they stand. If they are and have intentions of you working out they will idealy cease the moment that question is asked. Dating is a way of becoming acquainted. I think you may have friendship and that confused.

I dont see how being friends first would ever work. I consider two people in the universe my friends. Their people that I have been throught thick and thin, would take a bullet for I love them both dearly but would never consider a one night stand, dating, a relationship, or even a kiss. As they are both male but they are more like my brothers. I consider all other people I know irrelevent as friends ( iwonder if they know that), they are merly accquantences, and I dont think there is anything wrong with that. Hence why im not being contradictory.

Well, it's a given that it helps to find someone attractive initially - if you don't feel yourself drawn to them in some way, there would be no reason to pursue a relationship. HOWEVER: physical attractiveness isn't the only thing that people can be drawn to. Sometimes I find myself noticing people for the things they say, or the way they carry themselves. I have certainly never been in a relationship with someone who is "conventionally attractive". Not that there's anything wrong with liking people because they are phsyically attractive, but I think it helps to know the person before you make any decisions.

Agreed, hence my saying "what do you really think." For instance Im very active and take care of myself as a circuit fighter its part of my life, if someone very out of shape aproached me I would give them a chance providing they were not a total scrub. But im sure that I would find less in common with them. I never said anything about being conventionally actractive. If you ask my friends what I like in a man they will answer "short pale hairy and a big old honker". If thats conventionally attractive then I would be awfully suprised. My boyfriend is no looker by conventional standards (he pretty much fits the above discription) but I was very much attracted to him.

**my word processor wont hold all the info of the post so im going off memory**

I think your next point was about some of the best relationships are between friends. I again think more of accquianences probley. But I agree aswell in a sense. I.E: When I went out with my current fiance for the first time, I really honestly thought "Cute Cool Dorky. Better as friends" I really liked him and I really thought he would fit in great with me and the guys. But my initial thought on seeing him (I rang him up at work) was "Hes cute I hope I see more of him" Plus he was buying the x-men soundtrack one of the best in the world in my opinion. Upon going out another 2 times I realized that my pyhsical attraction to him, the amount of things we had in common, and the fact that he dident mind I had very very good guy friends ... I decieded to try things out.

Then came question time. He was the one who asked me (I usually go ahead and say it but I still thought he was a dork), and at the time i was dating people, mostly with absolutely no intent and I said 'No' and since that no never went out again and explained I was starting a budding relationship. And to my dismay actually He is my bestfriend, now. We have more in common then even me and my bros.

**aimed at the last bit**

Im in no way condoning pyshical attraction as a basis for a relationship, however its a start. And this post is entirly aimed at the people saying they dont like being asked out based on looks. I dont understand how they are not prejudging. I also have a firm stance on the topic and I do not disagree with what you are saying. I in no way base what the relationship will be on looks. But if you are like repulsed by someone how can you ever make love and express yourself physically?

 

[Badger_42]

Well, I don't find attractiveness a major factor. Attractiveness will never make up for lacking any other part in a relationship. You don't go out with someone /because/ you like the way you look. If they were all cute and no brains... >.> Well, that wouldn't be good quality, would it?

If you go out with someone, I think it should be because of personality. Hopefully some looks can be mixed in there too.

**Not that I date. It's really a lot of drama that I don't need to deal with.

How may I ask would you find out their personality without dating them. Im not saying a relationship I think this is where confussion start going out and a relationship not quite the same.

And on the friends thing ... read above post

 

[pyonchit]

I see why you may not find it to work. However, I still don't date someone because I think that they're pretty/cute/handsome.

Remember, I don't date.

I don't see why you have to date someone to know them. I know plenty of people that I don't consider friends, however I know them. Thats life. I don't have to be attracted to them to know them.

My best guy friend is nothing like a brother. One who wouldn't take a bullet for me, gave me a [half eaten] pack of gum for my birthday, get someone else to scream at me for fun, throw things at me, and best of all, isn't very cute. (and has a big head, and is short.)

But I don't care about any of that. He can make me laugh. And to me, he's dateable quality.

I wouldn't have known about him at all if I ignored him because he wasn't cute.

My other best guy friend is more like a brother. The weird phycho kid who would take a bullet for me, buy me food, share his lunch with me, (and vice versa), always be there for me, and can take a joke. He's cute.

But I wouldn't go out with him.

Why? Because his alcoholic dad freaks me out, he can't make up a song if his life depended on it, and throws things at my other friends, and has to bring up the fact that he's catholic and I'm not whenever I talk to him.

Now, I know these two guys equally well. And I haven't dated them.

Just because your friends are like brothers to you doesn't mean that everyone else does

 

[Badger_42]

I not saying dating someone is the only way to know them I mean if someone appraches you that you dont know. TO ask you out its a good way to learn about them.

I know not everyones friends are as close as I am with mine, however like I said I dont consider them friends then. I never said ignoring people because their not attractive is the right thing Im saying dont date them if your not attracted to them at all ...

I think you may not be understanding everything written above ... and can I ask why are you friends with people that throw things at you? Maybe a lot has changed since I was in school but in my town that would of caused a fight or somthing.

 

[Draft_Rebel_Scyth]

Secondly: If there is no physical attraction, how would that work? You'll have to find them somewhat attractive/astheticly pleasing. If you dont find someone attractive they would probly just be your friend no matter how cool they are, you still have to find them pleasing to the eye.

**This doesnt mean your friends think their hot, what do you actually think**

what about blind people? They cant even see who they are dating/married to. x.x

 

[Badger_42]

what about blind people? They cant even see who they are dating/married to. x.x

They feel your face! ... Plus I think their type might be harder to determine. Thats a rather special situation.

 

[pyonchit]

I not saying dating someone is the only way to know them I mean if someone appraches you that you dont know. TO ask you out its a good way to learn about them.
I know not everyones friends are as close as I am with mine, however like I said I dont consider them friends then. I never said ignoring people because their not attractive is the right thing Im saying dont date them if your not attracted to them at all ...

I think you may not be understanding everything written above ... and can I ask why are you friends with people that throw things at you? Maybe a lot has changed since I was in school but in my town that would of caused a fight or somthing.

I can handle a joke, thats all.

"Im saying dont date them if your not attracted to them at all "

Well, it might be a good idea to actually get to know them a bit, at least.

 

[Tamagirl_Desy]

What I find, is that once you like somebody for who they are, tehy becoem more and more beautiful. :furawatchi:

But, in some way, I do agree with you. If there is no physical attraction tehn it doesn't always work. You should be dating/liking somebody who is pelasing to you eye, yet their personality should come first.

 

[Badger_42]

What I find, is that once you like somebody for who they are, tehy becoem more and more beautiful. But, in some way, I do agree with you. If there is no physical attraction tehn it doesn't always work. You should be dating/liking somebody who is pelasing to you eye, yet their personality should come first.

Finally some one understands! Agreed they do become more and more beutiful ...

 

[GotchiGirl96]

They must be attractive is a point I just have to argue about. You can't tell us that our GF/BF's need to be attractive. You have to like the person for who they are. Not based on their looks. That's just wrong to judge people based on their physical features.

 

[ninny308]

I agree on most all of that. They may not be attractive to you at first, but they almost always become attractive to you if you start liking them. I am in a relationship right now (as in I'm somebody's girlfriend) and I wasn't really attracted to him until he asked me out. Them, I dated him, found out more about him, and now we're really close. He, to be truthful, is not that physically attractive. Neither am I. We are what is known in my school as 'looser lovers'. I really think we're more of plain & simple sweethearts.

 

[Badger_42]

They must be attractive is a point I just have to argue about. You can't tell us that our GF/BF's need to be attractive. You have to like the person for who they are. Not based on their looks. That's just wrong to judge people based on their physical features.

I never said they have to be attractive, just attractive to you!

Yea ... it is wrong it's stupid. But we all do it. Get over it.