Ew, this poem needs major editing.

[GotchiGirl96]

To love is to hate

To succeed is to fail

Although going through everything

Has ceased to prevail

She strives for perfection

Yearns for contentment

Does all in her power

To be able to present it

That moment of pride

That second of glory

She wishes upon a star

To come true, her fairytale story

Doesn't that sound so... off? Yuck, it's horrible. Do something about this. Give me crit. Be really harsh. I need it. I haven't written a good poem since 3rd grade. D:

 

[*LoVeLy.SwAn.23*]

Okay, I have nothing on you, but the first part has nothing to do with the last part. Remember: You're telling a story.

 

[Keanitchi]

that was really good, but i dont think everything flows together

 

[GotchiGirl96]

Yeah, that stuff was bothering me too. I see what you're saying. Told you I needed major editing. Let me try it now.

She sees her reflection

And sighs with despair

She strives for perfection

But it's just not there

That moment of pride

That second of glory

She wishes upon a star

To come true, her fairytale story

I took out like... the whole beginning. I think it's better now, but something still doesn't seem right. Help! xD

 

[*LoVeLy.SwAn.23*]

I like it! Now if you wanted to include the beginning try making it a separate paragraph!

 

[GotchiGirl96]

Good idea. Thanks so much for your advice.

 

[*LoVeLy.SwAn.23*]

Good idea. Thanks so much for your advice.

Anytime!

 

[mametchi_luver]

great i love the second one

 

[GotchiGirl96]

Thanks. I extended it and created another poem.

Her heart is an emblem

Of all that is true.

To get closer to freedom

Is what she wants to do.

She sees her reflection

And sighs with despair.

She strives for perfection,

But it's just not there.

Life is a mess.

It's like there's no way out.

She wants to compress

Her feelings of doubt.

To get away from here

Is for what she hopes.

Freedom may be near,

But for now, she must cope.

She's feeling lost.

She's trapped on this Earth.

The brutal cost

Of what her life is worth.

She wishes upon a star

For that one second of glory.

At this point, it's not far

From coming true, her fairytale story.