Hm.

[x.N e o n]

Congratulations. You get to listen to me rant. I feel like everything around me is so shallow, everyone is so selfish. No one actually cares about my well being. I can't believe I'm posting this. It's my deepest thoughts. Like, if I had a diary, this would be in it. I'd normally keep my ungrateful thoughts to myself. But I feel like I need to get it out.

Let's explain this with a metaphore(sp?), shall we? Imagine that every boy is made up of two sheets of paper. One is "Physical appearance," and the other is "Personality, Morals, and Mind." Now, imagine every boy's "Personality, Moral, and Mind" paper is covered in stains, marks, and faults, everywhere. Occasionally there's a colorful mark, but the stains overtake it. Every boy is utterly repulsive. None are considered suitable. Disgusting, in my eyes.

Now, imagine the "Physical Appearance" papers. Everyone is different, and some are really beautiful. So, I have to ignore the repulsive first paper, and base my thoughts on the second. So shallow of me, to base my opinion only on looks. But I have no choice. If I base it on what should count, then none of them are worthy. I actually hate every boy around me. So I pretend the first part doesn't exist, and base my opinion on looks. I hang out with the boys around me, but it's lust, not love. Nothing more than hormones. None of them really care for me. They only look at my outside, and base their opinions on that.

Me too. But I do look at the inside of them, taking glances, but I ignore it, and still flirt with and kiss them. And I'm the only one I know in real life that thinks this deeply about it. I feel alone, I wanna cry, but I know that I won't. Then, I feel like a horrible brat, because I'm nearly depressed, even though I have a life with money and friends(but I'm questioning the loyalty of those 'friends') And now I feel like some gothic kid who over-exagerates the bad things. Although I do feel better now that I've shared my feelings. And this is still only a sliver of my thoughts.

At school, this is how one of my so-called friends described me, behind my back: "Phoebe is so gorgeous. But she says she's not. She's so spoiled. Have you seen her house? It's beautiful! I can't believe I'm friends with her. And have you seen the way she doesn't ever date anyone, but flirts with guys so much? She's a wh***!" That is a basic summary of what she said. There were a lot more details that I chose to leave out. My friend showed me the message that that girl had said those things in on Myspace.

There's a lot more things I want to say, but it I'll spare you. I almost feel like my whole world is collapsing. I can't trust anyone. No one is nice. They are all ugly on the inside. They all hate me, or love me for all the wrong reasons. People that I couldn't live without, I now know what they really think of me. I'm not sure if it's my fault, or theirs. I hope it's mine. If it's mine, I can work to fix it. If it's them... Well, then, that's how it goes. And I'll have to suck it up, and smile for the public to see. And now I sound like some emo kid on myspace or facebook that is actually so bored she feels the need to make drama out of nothing.

I freaking love you people, because you don't (or at least I hope you don't) think of me like my friends do. You can't see me, or see my house, and my clothes, so you can't label me as a preppy wh*** and be done with me. You only see my words, and either like me or hate me for my personality. To be honest, if you all hated me, I'd just be glad that you judged me for who I am. Not because I'm blonde, or rich, or white, or clumsy, or sporty, or just in general how I look.

Okay, I'm done. I'm so happy I said that. I feel better, that my feelings aren't bottled up inside. Even if I didn't give this speech to my friends, at least you know who I am. And this is probably the best I'm ever gonna get. I hope to god real life isn't just as superficial as middle school. I wish I was stupid and didn't realize this. I wish that I didn't realize how much looks actually counted. God. I still feel all gothic and whiney.

I just wanted to say this, for me, so I don't feel like I described, all bottled up inside. I'm also curious to see how my friends on TT will reply to this, and how people will react to my true thoughts. I'm guessing that fifty percent of you didn't even read the whole thing, it's so long. xD I'm not really asking for advise, although that'd be appretiated. I'm not sure how advise would be helpful, though. What do you think? Am I crazy? Do you respect me more for posting my thoughts? Am I stupid for posting what should be in my diary on the web? Am I thoughtful for my age?Twelve. Hard to believe, I know. And I can't help but wonder if everyone realizes this, but later on. So yea. Just ranting. Needed to get that out there. I'll shut up now. Too much information.

 

[illiey12]

Wow, that was long xD.

Yeah, I've felt similiar. People nowadays judge only by looks, not the person themselves.

My friends have ditched me before and said horrible things behind my back aswell. And people have called me insanely rich. I dont like it either, in fact I hate it. I do deal with it though, since theres not much I can do. People seem to not listen to me, but just say ''Awww, you're so cute'' and other comments which are the exact opposite of what Im talking about. I know how you feel, but unfortunately I dont have much advice....

Eh, I hope this is what you were talking about....I can misunderstand things alot Dx.

 

[tamaw/pants]

Woahhh, you're 12?? I thought you were like.. 15. o:

Anyway, middle school is like.. the most ridiculous time ever. You will look back and be like, gosh, everything was so stupid. Trust me, I do all the time. But I guess you must go through it to learn.

About the guys, really they aren't worth flirting/messing around with. If you base your relationships on lust now, which you realize that and it's good that you do realize that, it will be a bad habit and it's much much more serious once you get into high school and on. One of my best friends started out like that and now she's well.. I'm not going into detail. It's not good, though, and for what? Ending up with loser guys that only care for what kind of physical high she can give them.

There are good people out there but you may have to reach out of your 'comfort zone' to get to them. Maybe there's a shy kid you could talk to that's actually really cool, thoughtful and overall a good friend. Maybe you could volunteer at a homeless shelter or womens shelter - that's a great way to meet really genuine people.

Try to see if you can change something within yourself to be more genuine, real and overall a happier person. And don't give up on people - middle school will pass.

 

[x.N e o n]

Woahhh, you're 12?? I thought you were like.. 15. o:
Anyway, middle school is like.. the most ridiculous time ever. You will look back and be like, gosh, everything was so stupid. Trust me, I do all the time. But I guess you must go through it to learn.

About the guys, really they aren't worth flirting/messing around with. If you base your relationships on lust now, which you realize that and it's good that you do realize that, it will be a bad habit and it's much much more serious once you get into high school and on. One of my best friends started out like that and now she's well.. I'm not going into detail. It's not good, though, and for what? Ending up with loser guys that only care for what kind of physical high she can give them.

There are good people out there but you may have to reach out of your 'comfort zone' to get to them. Maybe there's a shy kid you could talk to that's actually really cool, thoughtful and overall a good friend. Maybe you could volunteer at a homeless shelter or womens shelter - that's a great way to meet really genuine people.

Try to see if you can change something within yourself to be more genuine, real and overall a happier person. And don't give up on people - middle school will pass.

Thank you. You have no idea how much that helped me. But now I wanna cry again. I blame hormones. Blah. I regreted making this topic at first, but now I'm glad.

And about the age thing. Yea, I get that a lot. I'm a bit mature, physically and emotionally for my age.

 

[Plazmical Ecstasy]

I'm proud to say, I read all that, and in under 4 minutes ;D

Anyway, I feel like that a lot too. There are [maybe.] two guys that I would even dig a little bit deeper, and really, I have, and neither of them are really worth it, I guess. I flirt with everyone in school, which makes me get labeled as a whore a lot. I yell, and scream, and stomp, and do whatever I want. Most people really don't know me though, that's me in real life. I doubt you could think that about me on the internet, You don't actually know me.

No one in my class (Aside from Sophia and Karen.) are really worth anything to me. Nothing, They could all vanish, and I could care less. That sounds mean, I know, but really, I have to say that. In my life, everyone that I can't tell everything too, is just a prop. They know my name, they see me every day, they know what I do, and they know I'm crazy, that's it. They don't know me.

Three people know everything about me. Three.

Those three are my best friends, and I'm willing to die for them, I really don't care if they are too, just knowing that they mean that much to me, It makes me feel good to know that they are that important in my life.

<3 I need people to feel good, If I don't see my friends at least one time a week, I get depressed. I feel like, no one is there, no one cares.

<3333

 

[TamaMaria]

welcome to my world. i've been in it for the past three years.. and i'm eleven now.

it's all around one age, i think.

and Phoebe, you are one of the most awesome people I've ever "met".

oh, and about the age thing, i was taken aback. literally. i'm mature too, in both ways.. i mean i'm like one nervous breakdown away from suicide.

 

[Notch]

Wow, 12? I was certain you were older than that.

And yeah, I read all of that post.

I hate judgemental nonsense. It annoys me aswell, but most likely not as much as you. I mean, I'm definately not one of the most popular people at school. If anything, I'm the exact opposite. I get branded a nerd (Those people are so stupid, I play more sports than most people do) and a geek or whatever. Don't let those nasty people let you down. What matters most is what you think of yourself. You aren't snobby, or a wh***.

Some of those 'friends' of yours sound horrible. They need to wake up to themselves.

About the flirting, I agree with TWP. You don't want to get into a relationship with a guy just because of lust. There will be some guy out there somewhere. You'll find him, just be patient.

 

[ilovekuchipa555]

You're really 12??!! That was weird. You're post was really long, but I read it all.

Middle school sucks. Yeah, I might not really have any advice, but I'll tell you....some of your "friends" aren't really "friends". They shouldn't do that....I wonder if someone did that to them, How would they feel? People can get jealous because of being rich, or smart, but don't let that keep you down. My friends ditched me before, and I know how that feels. One time I didn't come to school because of my friends.

I hope you feel better~

~ilovekuchipa555~

 

[Cinderpelt]

I read the whole thing~! 8D

I feel alone, I wanna cry, but I know that I won't. Then, I feel like a horrible brat, because I'm nearly depressed, even though I have a life with money and friends

That, my friend, I know exactly how you feel. I used to get completely depressed and defeated, and then feel guilty and selfish on top of that because I felt I had no reason to feel that way. I had no tramautic childhood event. I have a family that is well off financially - we don't have to worry about getting food on the table. I have plenty of friends, and am usually asked to go places with them. I'm not publically humiliated of at school. So why did I feel this way?

I'm honestly not sure. I think that anxiety may be apart of it. Worrying that something aweful is going to happen, and nothing is ever going to be okay. Right now, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and step back from the situation. So some people are judging you. What should that matter to you? The people who break through the visible barriers and really get to know you are worth your time and worth you caring.

Confidence and self-esteem may also play a role. Think - you are yourself, and nobody should be able to change that, or make you feel ashamed of it. You shouldn't have to act like someone else to get people to like you - because then they aren't truley your friends.

And give people a chance. Nobody is perfect, including yourself. So they may have some mistakes in their past - that doesn't make them a bad person. And you have to view yourself that way. Maybe there are things you wish you could change. Maybe you wish that you could have been more reserved. But you can't change the past. You can only change the future. So instead of dwelling on what has happened, think about how you can make a better future.

EDIT: Typo, as usual. x__x

 

[x.N e o n]

I understand what you guys are saying. I understand that a lot of my friends aren't real friends. And normally, I'd drop them. Stop being their friend, ignore them until they prove themselves as a worthy human being. But the thing is, I don't know who's who. Who made a stupid mistake once, who is actually geinuinely mean, who is my real friend. Everyone seems to think their competing with me. For popularity, or boys, or friends. The problem with the popular group is, everyone is competing, all the time, whenever their with anyone. Any secrets told are eventually spilled. The only way to keep them is to destroy evidence, and never breath a word of it. And if there are two people involved, a boy and girl, per say, you can forget it. And I can't seem to find anyone like me, who isn't selfish enough to tell a friend's secret to someone else to gain popularity. So, if I drop the bad friends, I'll be completely alone. And all of the other kids in the school are people I shall not associate with[the gangsters]. And so, I suppose I'll just have to go on, and hope this phase will pass. You people can be my lovelies :]

 

[bratztroxg]

Phoebe, you are gorgeous.

And I'm not just talking about your looks. I mean your personality. Even though you're 12, I (and most people on TT) thought you were so much older! Why? Because you seem so mature, and the way you talk about these things is not 'gothic and whiney' at all. It really is like stepping out from a crowd of shallow 'populars' all competing for boys, style and respect. But they'll never earn respect unless they're beautiful from within. And you are, and you have earned my respect.

Sometimes I can feel a little like this too. When I look around and everybody has such a clear vision of what it means to be 'cool'. And I don't feel as if I could ever reach to that standard of totally sporty and beautiful and perfect. Nobody can, and it's so much healthier to know that and realise how shallow most of the population today is.

The only advice I can give you is to find your real, true friends and keep them. And also to cherish your family. Knowing you're loved can make you feel . .well, special.

And all these guys that you flirt with, that's normal. That's hormones, and part of growing up. One day you'll find that special somebody - there's someone for everyone. <33

 

[Mr.Brightside]

Pheobe and Katie, I thought you two were beautiful from the first time I spoke to either of you, or read your words.

You're both generally amazing people to talk to and I'm blessed I have people like you guys to turn to. I mean... I've had a... Just... Rawr. Depression. A lot. Even more anger and anxiety, since I was... Nine. Katie, I haven't known you for a long time, but I feel like I can relate to you really well. Which is extremely rare in every way, shape, and form. And Pheobe, it's amazing what a stalkerrape text can do to your day. I had a feeling I knew half of your post already, but not the fact people hate you because you're a generally beautiful person. And I mean on the inside. But usually I can only talk to people if they've had some degree of... Injury. It's hard to explain.

But both of you... You're both very pretty on the outside. Like, unbelieveably. But you're even more goreouse inside... Which is why I am so blessed to know people like you and be able to talk freely to you without worrying that you'll think I'm a freak. I love you both in general and I hope this doesn't creep you out. It's just I hope that one of these days I'll be able to be as wonderful as you both are inside and out. I'm pretty sure you're both older than me, depending on when birthdays are and such. So... yeah.

You're both amazing people that are positively...

Fantastic.

 

[TamaMaria]

Phoebe, you're the only person that has a life like mine.. and understands how AWFUL it feels.

 

[Cinderpelt]

Pheobe and Katie, I thought you two were beautiful from the first time I spoke to either of you, or read your words.
You're both generally amazing people to talk to and I'm blessed I have people like you guys to turn to. I mean... I've had a... Just... Rawr. Depression. A lot. Even more anger and anxiety, since I was... Nine. Katie, I haven't known you for a long time, but I feel like I can relate to you really well. Which is extremely rare in every way, shape, and form. And Pheobe, it's amazing what a stalkerrape text can do to your day. I had a feeling I knew half of your post already, but not the fact people hate you because you're a generally beautiful person. And I mean on the inside. But usually I can only talk to people if they've had some degree of... Injury. It's hard to explain.

But both of you... You're both very pretty on the outside. Like, unbelieveably. But you're even more goreouse inside... Which is why I am so blessed to know people like you and be able to talk freely to you without worrying that you'll think I'm a freak. I love you both in general and I hope this doesn't creep you out. It's just I hope that one of these days I'll be able to be as wonderful as you both are inside and out. I'm pretty sure you're both older than me, depending on when birthdays are and such. So... yeah.

You're both amazing people that are positively...

Fantastic.

AHLEX - I love you. ♥

 

[x.N e o n]

Alex, Bratztrox, you just made my week x3 I love you both so much. I wish I had friends like you in real life, so you could help me SLAP THE H*** OUTTA THE FRIENDS I HAVE NOW. I'd have someone I feel really cares about me.

 

[Mr.Brightside]

Katie, Pheobe,

I love you too.<3

 

[x.MusicalClouds]

Don't worry, Phoebe, you're not the only one. (And twelve, for me, is an okay age to be thinking about these things ;D.) I've been kind of depressed since I was eight or nine...I know how it feels, and I'm sure many of us also do. In my school, looking at a lot of my male classmates (well, more the older ones), they go for the girls who are just outright beautiful on the outside that wear revealing clothes and such. So really, a vast majority of them are empty and shallow...=/

And I get the feeling that I'm too well off to be feeling that way. My family is quite wealthy, so we don't have to worry all too much, but then around the world there are many others living in poverty and such, so I can't feel this way. But I know, that doesn't keep you from having emotions, and yeah, I guess hormones are a part of that too, so don't feel ashamed.

Phoebe, you are one of the best people I have ever met. Words can not describe what a lovely, genuine, irreplaceable person you are. I'm just glad I came to TamaTalk and met some people I'll never forget, like you.ღღღ

 

[bratztroxg]

Alex, Bratztrox, you just made my week x3 I love you both so much. I wish I had friends like you in real life, so you could help me SLAP THE H*** OUTTA THE FRIENDS I HAVE NOW. I'd have someone I feel really cares about me.

Thanks, you just made my week too! <33

It would be great to know someone like you at my school, or anywhere, just because you're such a funny, happy, great person but you're still so..unshallow. Like, you care about things that matter. I love you for that! x3