x.N e o n
Well-known member
Congratulations. You get to listen to me rant. I feel like everything around me is so shallow, everyone is so selfish. No one actually cares about my well being. I can't believe I'm posting this. It's my deepest thoughts. Like, if I had a diary, this would be in it. I'd normally keep my ungrateful thoughts to myself. But I feel like I need to get it out.
Let's explain this with a metaphore(sp?), shall we? Imagine that every boy is made up of two sheets of paper. One is "Physical appearance," and the other is "Personality, Morals, and Mind." Now, imagine every boy's "Personality, Moral, and Mind" paper is covered in stains, marks, and faults, everywhere. Occasionally there's a colorful mark, but the stains overtake it. Every boy is utterly repulsive. None are considered suitable. Disgusting, in my eyes.
Now, imagine the "Physical Appearance" papers. Everyone is different, and some are really beautiful. So, I have to ignore the repulsive first paper, and base my thoughts on the second. So shallow of me, to base my opinion only on looks. But I have no choice. If I base it on what should count, then none of them are worthy. I actually hate every boy around me. So I pretend the first part doesn't exist, and base my opinion on looks. I hang out with the boys around me, but it's lust, not love. Nothing more than hormones. None of them really care for me. They only look at my outside, and base their opinions on that.
Me too. But I do look at the inside of them, taking glances, but I ignore it, and still flirt with and kiss them. And I'm the only one I know in real life that thinks this deeply about it. I feel alone, I wanna cry, but I know that I won't. Then, I feel like a horrible brat, because I'm nearly depressed, even though I have a life with money and friends(but I'm questioning the loyalty of those 'friends') And now I feel like some gothic kid who over-exagerates the bad things. Although I do feel better now that I've shared my feelings. And this is still only a sliver of my thoughts.
At school, this is how one of my so-called friends described me, behind my back: "Phoebe is so gorgeous. But she says she's not. She's so spoiled. Have you seen her house? It's beautiful! I can't believe I'm friends with her. And have you seen the way she doesn't ever date anyone, but flirts with guys so much? She's a wh***!" That is a basic summary of what she said. There were a lot more details that I chose to leave out. My friend showed me the message that that girl had said those things in on Myspace.
There's a lot more things I want to say, but it I'll spare you. I almost feel like my whole world is collapsing. I can't trust anyone. No one is nice. They are all ugly on the inside. They all hate me, or love me for all the wrong reasons. People that I couldn't live without, I now know what they really think of me. I'm not sure if it's my fault, or theirs. I hope it's mine. If it's mine, I can work to fix it. If it's them... Well, then, that's how it goes. And I'll have to suck it up, and smile for the public to see. And now I sound like some emo kid on myspace or facebook that is actually so bored she feels the need to make drama out of nothing.
I freaking love you people, because you don't (or at least I hope you don't) think of me like my friends do. You can't see me, or see my house, and my clothes, so you can't label me as a preppy wh*** and be done with me. You only see my words, and either like me or hate me for my personality. To be honest, if you all hated me, I'd just be glad that you judged me for who I am. Not because I'm blonde, or rich, or white, or clumsy, or sporty, or just in general how I look.
Okay, I'm done. I'm so happy I said that. I feel better, that my feelings aren't bottled up inside. Even if I didn't give this speech to my friends, at least you know who I am. And this is probably the best I'm ever gonna get. I hope to god real life isn't just as superficial as middle school. I wish I was stupid and didn't realize this. I wish that I didn't realize how much looks actually counted. God. I still feel all gothic and whiney.
I just wanted to say this, for me, so I don't feel like I described, all bottled up inside. I'm also curious to see how my friends on TT will reply to this, and how people will react to my true thoughts. I'm guessing that fifty percent of you didn't even read the whole thing, it's so long. xD I'm not really asking for advise, although that'd be appretiated. I'm not sure how advise would be helpful, though. What do you think? Am I crazy? Do you respect me more for posting my thoughts? Am I stupid for posting what should be in my diary on the web? Am I thoughtful for my age?Twelve. Hard to believe, I know. And I can't help but wonder if everyone realizes this, but later on. So yea. Just ranting. Needed to get that out there. I'll shut up now. Too much information.
Let's explain this with a metaphore(sp?), shall we? Imagine that every boy is made up of two sheets of paper. One is "Physical appearance," and the other is "Personality, Morals, and Mind." Now, imagine every boy's "Personality, Moral, and Mind" paper is covered in stains, marks, and faults, everywhere. Occasionally there's a colorful mark, but the stains overtake it. Every boy is utterly repulsive. None are considered suitable. Disgusting, in my eyes.
Now, imagine the "Physical Appearance" papers. Everyone is different, and some are really beautiful. So, I have to ignore the repulsive first paper, and base my thoughts on the second. So shallow of me, to base my opinion only on looks. But I have no choice. If I base it on what should count, then none of them are worthy. I actually hate every boy around me. So I pretend the first part doesn't exist, and base my opinion on looks. I hang out with the boys around me, but it's lust, not love. Nothing more than hormones. None of them really care for me. They only look at my outside, and base their opinions on that.
Me too. But I do look at the inside of them, taking glances, but I ignore it, and still flirt with and kiss them. And I'm the only one I know in real life that thinks this deeply about it. I feel alone, I wanna cry, but I know that I won't. Then, I feel like a horrible brat, because I'm nearly depressed, even though I have a life with money and friends(but I'm questioning the loyalty of those 'friends') And now I feel like some gothic kid who over-exagerates the bad things. Although I do feel better now that I've shared my feelings. And this is still only a sliver of my thoughts.
At school, this is how one of my so-called friends described me, behind my back: "Phoebe is so gorgeous. But she says she's not. She's so spoiled. Have you seen her house? It's beautiful! I can't believe I'm friends with her. And have you seen the way she doesn't ever date anyone, but flirts with guys so much? She's a wh***!" That is a basic summary of what she said. There were a lot more details that I chose to leave out. My friend showed me the message that that girl had said those things in on Myspace.
There's a lot more things I want to say, but it I'll spare you. I almost feel like my whole world is collapsing. I can't trust anyone. No one is nice. They are all ugly on the inside. They all hate me, or love me for all the wrong reasons. People that I couldn't live without, I now know what they really think of me. I'm not sure if it's my fault, or theirs. I hope it's mine. If it's mine, I can work to fix it. If it's them... Well, then, that's how it goes. And I'll have to suck it up, and smile for the public to see. And now I sound like some emo kid on myspace or facebook that is actually so bored she feels the need to make drama out of nothing.
I freaking love you people, because you don't (or at least I hope you don't) think of me like my friends do. You can't see me, or see my house, and my clothes, so you can't label me as a preppy wh*** and be done with me. You only see my words, and either like me or hate me for my personality. To be honest, if you all hated me, I'd just be glad that you judged me for who I am. Not because I'm blonde, or rich, or white, or clumsy, or sporty, or just in general how I look.
Okay, I'm done. I'm so happy I said that. I feel better, that my feelings aren't bottled up inside. Even if I didn't give this speech to my friends, at least you know who I am. And this is probably the best I'm ever gonna get. I hope to god real life isn't just as superficial as middle school. I wish I was stupid and didn't realize this. I wish that I didn't realize how much looks actually counted. God. I still feel all gothic and whiney.
I just wanted to say this, for me, so I don't feel like I described, all bottled up inside. I'm also curious to see how my friends on TT will reply to this, and how people will react to my true thoughts. I'm guessing that fifty percent of you didn't even read the whole thing, it's so long. xD I'm not really asking for advise, although that'd be appretiated. I'm not sure how advise would be helpful, though. What do you think? Am I crazy? Do you respect me more for posting my thoughts? Am I stupid for posting what should be in my diary on the web? Am I thoughtful for my age?Twelve. Hard to believe, I know. And I can't help but wonder if everyone realizes this, but later on. So yea. Just ranting. Needed to get that out there. I'll shut up now. Too much information.