otchi973
Well-known member
okay im no sure if you remember but i have posted a topic about me having writers block, and it cleared up good anyways, I just wanted to give a summary of the first chapter of my story. Please post your thoughts on it so i can improve.
Title: Tauron
Chapter one: Away from Foyet
There were three orphans named Shawn Tompson, ELizabeth Penski and Ian kreller who lived in the Foyet Orphanage. John Foyet (Mr. Foyet to the orphans) Was a very greedy man who only cared about himself and his money. It was august the 12th and there were all sorts of people coming in and out of the orphanage, waiting to adopt a child of there own. Shawn, Ian and Elizabeth sat on the top of the stairs, watching the adults scurry around like mice dodging a giant cleaver. "Why did we bother coming down, we will never get addopted." Shawn said miserably. "Not with that additude mister!" Elizabeth said. "Ian, back me up here." Shawn said to Ian. "I agree with Elizabeth, you had better get a better additude." Ian said, Shawn remained quiet. After a bunch of people left a married couple entered the orphanage and walked over to the three orphans. Judy was the wife and Randy was her husband. Ian, Shawn and Elizabeth introduced themselves and began to talk. A while after Judy and Randy left the three orphans went to bed early, without any dinner. The next morning all the orphans were awaken by Mr. Foyet yelling "SHAWN, IAN AND ELIZABETH GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"The three of them darted down the stairs and stood infront of Mr. Foyet as if they were in the army. "You three have been addopted into the Arbour family by Judy and Randy Arbour." Mr. Foyet said. About an hour later Judy and Randy arrived at the orphanage to pick up Shawn, Ian and Elizabeth. As Ian, Shawn and Elizabeth climbed into the car, Ian looked back, glad he doesn't have to live in the horrid Foyet orphanage ever again. The three new Arbours and their new parents drove off, down the road, the three children not daring to look back.
(I really had to cut down the first chapter! If i typed the whole thing it would be at least 100 lines long.)
Please post your thoughts
Title: Tauron
Chapter one: Away from Foyet
There were three orphans named Shawn Tompson, ELizabeth Penski and Ian kreller who lived in the Foyet Orphanage. John Foyet (Mr. Foyet to the orphans) Was a very greedy man who only cared about himself and his money. It was august the 12th and there were all sorts of people coming in and out of the orphanage, waiting to adopt a child of there own. Shawn, Ian and Elizabeth sat on the top of the stairs, watching the adults scurry around like mice dodging a giant cleaver. "Why did we bother coming down, we will never get addopted." Shawn said miserably. "Not with that additude mister!" Elizabeth said. "Ian, back me up here." Shawn said to Ian. "I agree with Elizabeth, you had better get a better additude." Ian said, Shawn remained quiet. After a bunch of people left a married couple entered the orphanage and walked over to the three orphans. Judy was the wife and Randy was her husband. Ian, Shawn and Elizabeth introduced themselves and began to talk. A while after Judy and Randy left the three orphans went to bed early, without any dinner. The next morning all the orphans were awaken by Mr. Foyet yelling "SHAWN, IAN AND ELIZABETH GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"The three of them darted down the stairs and stood infront of Mr. Foyet as if they were in the army. "You three have been addopted into the Arbour family by Judy and Randy Arbour." Mr. Foyet said. About an hour later Judy and Randy arrived at the orphanage to pick up Shawn, Ian and Elizabeth. As Ian, Shawn and Elizabeth climbed into the car, Ian looked back, glad he doesn't have to live in the horrid Foyet orphanage ever again. The three new Arbours and their new parents drove off, down the road, the three children not daring to look back.
(I really had to cut down the first chapter! If i typed the whole thing it would be at least 100 lines long.)
Please post your thoughts
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