My book summary

[otchi973]

okay im no sure if you remember but i have posted a topic about me having writers block, and it cleared up good anyways, I just wanted to give a summary of the first chapter of my story. Please post your thoughts on it so i can improve.

Title: Tauron

Chapter one: Away from Foyet

There were three orphans named Shawn Tompson, ELizabeth Penski and Ian kreller who lived in the Foyet Orphanage. John Foyet (Mr. Foyet to the orphans) Was a very greedy man who only cared about himself and his money. It was august the 12th and there were all sorts of people coming in and out of the orphanage, waiting to adopt a child of there own. Shawn, Ian and Elizabeth sat on the top of the stairs, watching the adults scurry around like mice dodging a giant cleaver. "Why did we bother coming down, we will never get addopted." Shawn said miserably. "Not with that additude mister!" Elizabeth said. "Ian, back me up here." Shawn said to Ian. "I agree with Elizabeth, you had better get a better additude." Ian said, Shawn remained quiet. After a bunch of people left a married couple entered the orphanage and walked over to the three orphans. Judy was the wife and Randy was her husband. Ian, Shawn and Elizabeth introduced themselves and began to talk. A while after Judy and Randy left the three orphans went to bed early, without any dinner. The next morning all the orphans were awaken by Mr. Foyet yelling "SHAWN, IAN AND ELIZABETH GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"The three of them darted down the stairs and stood infront of Mr. Foyet as if they were in the army. "You three have been addopted into the Arbour family by Judy and Randy Arbour." Mr. Foyet said. About an hour later Judy and Randy arrived at the orphanage to pick up Shawn, Ian and Elizabeth. As Ian, Shawn and Elizabeth climbed into the car, Ian looked back, glad he doesn't have to live in the horrid Foyet orphanage ever again. The three new Arbours and their new parents drove off, down the road, the three children not daring to look back.

(I really had to cut down the first chapter! If i typed the whole thing it would be at least 100 lines long.)

Please post your thoughts

 

[*LoVeLy.SwAn.23*]

Very interesting

 

[otchi973]

Very interesting

thanks

 

[kiko_girl]

It's Nice! Well Written too!

I encourage you to keep going! You used lots of good describing words to show the secenary and where the story starts ect..

Can I build in a little constructive critisizem? First of all, you didn't show the ages of the kids. Er. Actually im not sure if they are children in the first place. I think its in too much detail. ^.^ Not trying to ruin anything, considering its a great (and long) chapter. And extermly well written. You also might want to put the age of Mr.Foyet, that way we can get a visual picture in out mind of how he looks like. I wouldn't really call this a summary more like a detailed summary/small version chapter one -ish lol.

Foyet's attitude really tells us what type of person he is. Which is good. And you might want to tell us why the three persons are in an orphanage, what happened to there parents and that type of stuff. Also how the three persons look like, how they met, (considering they have different last names) and ect..

But I have to say, don't get discouraged! You are a great writer! You can't make anything perfect on the first time. Wonderful job.

Good Luck!

-KG-

 

[otchi973]

It's Nice! Well Written too!
I encourage you to keep going! You used lots of good describing words to show the secenary and where the story starts ect..

Can I build in a little constructive critisizem? First of all, you didn't show the ages of the kids. Er. Actually im not sure if they are children in the first place. I think its in too much detail. ^.^ Not trying to ruin anything, considering its a great (and long) chapter. And extermly well written. You also might want to put the age of Mr.Foyet, that way we can get a visual picture in out mind of how he looks like. I wouldn't really call this a summary more like a detailed summary/small version chapter one  -ish lol.

Foyet's attitude really tells us what type of person he is. Which is good. And you might want to tell us why the three persons are in an orphanage, what happened to there parents and that type of stuff. Also how the three persons look like, how they met, (considering they have different last names) and ect..

But I have to say, don't get discouraged! You are a great writer! You can't make anything perfect on the first time. Wonderful job.

Good Luck!

-KG-

oh, I said the ages and what the orphans looked like in the origonal version. but i havent yet determaned the age foyet. I did forget to mention why they were their, I am saving why Ian was there until later on in the book. As for the ages, Shawn is 16 and Ian and Elizabeth are both 13.

Thankyou soo much for the advice!!!!!

I am currently making a website on freewebs that has fantasy stories and I will post the full story of the three orphans on there.

I will post any updates on the Arbours in this thread