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CrowFrost~

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Advice/ideas are needed, I have a good plot line, but some ideas to weave in here and there would be nice. ^^ Here are the first to paragraphs. Teh intoduction. I can't show you more until Ch1. is done... I started this a few hours ago.

Hope you Like!

Hah. They think it’s funny!! They think that because my name is Fern, it’s funny! That’s what everyone else thought. Whenever I was on a trip and someone asked where I lived, “Normal, Illinois.” I would say, as if it were the center of the world. Hah. Most would just look at me and crack up. You would to if you met a girl named Fern who had purple hair, bleached on the bottom, down to her knees. Black almond shaped eyes and ghost white skin. If you were her you would… well, you wouldn’t be her. I’m her. Yea, laugh if you want, but it’s true! I am a girl named Fern, (Some idiot thought it would be cute to call her daughter Fern, outta what? A book? Whoever it was is loonnnggg gone now.) I bet you’re thinking in your little pea mind ‘how the hell does she keep up with that HAIR?!?!?!’ yes…? Well, it’s simple, really, don’t brush it (Haven’t in heaven knows…) and put it in a bun, yes, a purple and bleach blond bun.

Now, then, if you want to know the story of my life, think again. I’ll tell you what I want, and if it’s my life… well, good for you. Maybe it is, maybe not. But I can tell you one thing right now, the second I turn 18 I am changing my name to something Normal… Something that isn’t my life.

Soooooo? What do you think? ^^ Please do Post! Tell me if you want me to write more, ^^

 
Hmm, interesting.

But whats so funny about the name Fern? 0_o Just wondering.

Nice so far; I'd like to read about the misadventures of Fern.

 
Meh, SHe just doesn't like it and everyone thinks its dumb because they have names like Stephany and whatnot... xD

And, thanks.^^

 
: D Interesting!!! But I don't think Fern is a weird name! She seems like a funny and unique character and you will be able to go a lot of places with your story with a colorful personality like herself.

Chatterbox

 
Thanks! I'm sure you know that popular girls hate every name but theirs, so yea. You will understand better once I am done with chapter 1. It sort of explains most of teh things that are going on.

 
oooh, nice one Crow!

I like it. Its a bit short, but still. My stuff is kinda like that, as well.

I like purple hair. I want my hair to be spiked in the back, dyed light purple and have a white bleach stripe down the center to the side bangs.

 
Ha...Fern is a prettiful name. I hate mine though. We have something in common.

I liked it. Knee length...woah...duders...that's long.

 
oooh, nice one Crow!
I like it. Its a bit short, but still. My stuff is kinda like that, as well.

I like purple hair. I want my hair to be spiked in the back, dyed light purple and have a white bleach stripe down the center to the side bangs.
Click to expand...
That pwns Axie. <3

I want to get a dark purple strek in my bangs (They match my hair length) and get red dark red layers. Uber awesome.

Yea, Doggiedreams. It is, but she likes to wack people with it > :)

 
Ha....fun. I do that by accident....I turn around too fast all like "WHAT!?" and my friend is like "OW!!"

I want to dye my hair jet black (it's an almost black brown), get more obvious layers, kinda obvious side bangs, and then put in pink streaks. It'll be superbly awesomenatic!!!

But my name still sucks.....I want my name to be....uh...hold onnnn....

 
I have a natural streak. I have dark blonde hair, and a natural bleach streak on either side, and in the middle of my bangs.

 
Advice/ideas are needed, I have a good plot line, but some ideas to weave in here and there would be nice. ^^ Here are the first to paragraphs. Teh intoduction. I can't show you more until Ch1. is done... I started this a few hours ago.
Hope you Like!

Hah. They think it’s funny!! They think that because my name is Fern, it’s funny! That’s what everyone else thought. Whenever I was on a trip and someone asked where I lived, “Normal, Illinois.” I would say, as if it were the center of the world. Hah. Most would just look at me and crack up. You would to if you met a girl named Fern who had purple hair, bleached on the bottom, down to her knees. Black almond shaped eyes and ghost white skin. If you were her you would… well, you wouldn’t be her. I’m her. Yea, laugh if you want, but it’s true! I am a girl named Fern, (Some idiot thought it would be cute to call her daughter Fern, outta what? A book? Whoever it was is loonnnggg gone now.) I bet you’re thinking in your little pea mind ‘how the hell does she keep up with that HAIR?!?!?!’ yes…? Well, it’s simple, really, don’t brush it (Haven’t in heaven knows…) and put it in a bun, yes, a purple and bleach blond bun.

Now, then, if you want to know the story of my life, think again. I’ll tell you what I want, and if it’s my life… well, good for you. Maybe it is, maybe not. But I can tell you one thing right now, the second I turn 18 I am changing my name to something Normal… Something that isn’t my life.

Soooooo? What do you think? ^^ Please do Post! Tell me if you want me to write more, ^^
Click to expand...
I'm interested in the first chapter...

Hmm, let me say something else. This is constructive critism. xD Not to be rude:

I think your style of writing is different than mine, it seems a bit odd to me. My style of writing sucks, I think yours is just different. xD

Purple hair, down to her knees. Seems a bit fishy (salmon? cod? Just kidding. xD) to me. If this book is fantasy, I can see. Or anything in that genre; but even in fantasy, it sure isn't every day you see hair like that. Unless it's japanese-orientated. Just my opinion.

Fern still seems normal to me. I have a friend named Fern; and thats a pretty normal name. xD

You really shouldn't ramble on like that in a book/fanfiction or something. It's not usually you would see a whole paragraph of the character introducing herself, unless it was one of those grade one Junie B. Jones series. Usually you'd see it skip strait to the storyline, starting with something like:

"Bob looked out the window. The sky was painted a melancholy gray, a face in the clouds bringing the gloomy rain." Or something like that. You'd usually explain as it goes, for example.

"Bob rose to his feet from the couch beside the window as his mother called him. He had been 13 for a year now, and his birthday was fast-approaching. He ran his fingers through his blond hair and rubbed his green eyes. Obviously, today was scheduled to be a boring day with an appetizer of mom-calling-me-every-five-minutes." You see, you could find out from that small paragraph that he is 13, has blonde hair, and green eyes. Then maybe you could explain where he came from or something by his mother reminding him of his old home or something. It's a good idea after something is mentioned, to explain it. e.g:

"Bob looked at his mom for a split second as she mentioned his old home in Lalaland, Gooberville. He had lived there for most of his life, loving the soft, springy grass in the front yard of his large brick house. There it was that he had been born, on a summer day.... yadda yadda yadda."

One word of advice,

Now, don't do something that Erin Hunter does alot. It's ramble about things that they have already talked about in Warrior Books. For instance, Spottedleaf died in book one. Don't re-explain the whole story in book 4 unless the character himself is saying that, because it takes up 3-quarters of a page for no reason.

Your also overdoring the italics way too much. Try to cut it down, because usually it would only be a word or so of highlighted text. Maybe 12 times in a 300 pages book. The parenthesis are fine, but cut it down just a notch. xD

 

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