Mental breakdowns.

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I almost had one tonight. I was so sick of my brother annoying me and I was so tired and over it and you have no idea how annoying my brother is. It like affects you mentally. And I watched too many collegehumor videos. I tried to make myself throw up, but my brother made me stop, and I crawled up in a ball in the corner for a few minutes.

 
I've had a few.. But my latest was near the very end of the school year.

Nicole had found out I was cutting. And she went to Tara, of all people, to discuss it. Tara told her that I had been contemplating suicide, which was not any of her business, nor was it anybody else's.. But after I heard all this, that she had convinced Nicole that I was some suicidal freak, I told her that I hated her. Wanted her out of my life. She started blaming everything on Nick, telling me that all his problems had become my problems, telling me why I was doing it to myself when she didn't even know the beginning of it. She didn't know the feeling and she had no business telling me what was wrong with me. I cried in front of the class and none of them did a thing. They went on with their projects. The teacher didn't say a word to me, and I was three feet from her desk.

After that I carried on with my day and ignored everybody else as long as possible. I sat alone at lunch and apparently my entire [former] lunch table was crying over me. I could have cared less, really, but according to Nicole, during their Language Arts period Tara had started wailing and the teacher asked what was wrong and she told her everything. So her and Nicole were sent to the nurses to repeat all of it. They called me down after they had left and we talked it over, I bawled my eyes out, they called my mom, she took me straight to the doctor for more anti depressants, which have only helped with the anxiety attacks, partially.

By then, just about everybody in the grade had heard that I had "tried to kill myself" and "covered my scars for months". It was absolutely pathetic. I went back for the last four days of school and avoided talking about it, but that's what I'm known for now, no doubt. I'm transferring schools, though, which should help quite a bit.

People tell me they did it to help me. I didn't want help, and I honestly didn't need it. I had stopped already. It only put me under surveillance for months. It only upped my dose by 25 mg. It made me end the school year on a bad note with a lot of people. I lost a lot of peoples' trust, and I lost trust in a lot of people. They still don't know quite a bit of the entire situation - cutting my thighs to hide it, breaking my own fingers - they still don't know, and they don't have to now that I'm better.

I stopped self harming. As for my mental state, it's improving. So.. Yay.

I don't have mental breakdowns very often, but I tend to keep my emotions to myself and finally explode when I reach my breaking point. Not the most fun thing ever, but I usually feel a lot better afterward.

 
Recently I've just become a total mess and I don't even know why. I feel so angry or upset all the time, and like.. Even when I'm happy, I still want to just sit there and cry.

A few weeks ago, I had like.. 4 assignments due, and I had them all in a folder. I went to hand one in, and the folder wasn't in my bag. It had my name written about 5 times on it, and on every assignment. I put it in my bag that morning, and never took it out.

The first one I had to hand in was for PE. I got into the classroom and started bawling my eyes out. I couldn't believe it wasn't there. Anyway, my PE teacher sent me outside onto the verandah for the lesson, and I just sat there and cried, the entire time until the point where I felt like I was hanving an panic attack, and I couldn't breathe properly.

Anyway, after the lesson, my PE teacher hugged me and told me that if I needed someone to talk to, he'd always be in his staffroom.

I cried for the next three periods, until one of the teachers saw me and insisted on calling Mum, so I got sent home :\

And just recently, I've been fighting with my friend Luke. I just confessed to Katie that if I've permanently lost him, I don't know what I'll do. And If I didn't have her, Mum and Kyle, I personally think I'm better off dead and am of no use to the world.

I just kind of don't know what to do, you know?

People keep saying I'm depressed and should see someone, but I don't want to, because they'll tell me I need anti-depressants, and my Dad was on anti-depressants when he killed himself. I don't want to end up like my Dad.

:\

/End venty thing.

 
Ive become really stressed after the math test -shuddersathorriblegrade- I have to show it to mom tommorow and I dunno how I will do that! OOOO:
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I usually do bad in big exams or tests, because I'm really nervous. Maybe you should tell your mum that, and just say your nerves got to you?

:) I'm sure she'll understand, we all mess up sometimes.

 
I usually do bad in big exams or tests, because I'm really nervous. Maybe you should tell your mum that, and just say your nerves got to you?:) I'm sure she'll understand, we all mess up sometimes.
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[SIZE=12pt]Maybe. =3 Because last year I never really got good grades on UTs and like, my mom is so busy and stuff, and she aleady feels she's failing like a mother,cause she doesnt look at my studies, you know? =( When she so isnt. I feel her feelings will be hurt. Because I got over it, seeing I totally improved in class afterwards =D[/SIZE]

 
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When I was little, some people said I was a "cry baby". And I don't know why, I just couldn't hold it in. And sometimes, I still can't.

Like, sometimes when my parent(s) are telling me something, sometimes I just start crying a little.

I did once in 6th grade. In SS. Me and my friend were in a really bad fight. She gets mad so easy, that it isn't even funny. Same with my other friend. They'll punch me and stuff. Ow. Well anyway, she kept on making fun of me, and whispering about me, I kept on shaking my arm and being like "i need to punch her. Should I?" I didn't. But I started crying. ^_^ It was the worst day of my life. (along with lots more)

Sometimes I start crying because I don't want to lose my parents. Smokers. Yes. =\ Well, it's their life.

Oh, and on the Breath Express in 6th grade (last school year) (it's a tiny bus that comes to the school and tells you all about smoking and what can happen and etc) They were showing us the bleeding mouth, and the foot what was going to fall off and stuff. I think I almost had a mental breakdown. I started rocking back and fourth. My eye sight got really bad and blurry. I couldn't see. It was really scary, so don't laugh. I started thinking about it, and I couldn't stop. I walked to my teacher, pushing a few people out of the way. I was so mad. =(

Lots of other times. Sometimes I just want to cut myself. It can be bad. (especially when your friend ruins your birthday that you wanted to be the best birthday ever) Won't get into detail.

 
Hm... Ironically, like... a week after posting in this topic, I had a mental breakdown. :|

I had a horrible migraine, and when I got on the bus, and we started moving, I seriously thought I was gonna puke. So I asked my friend to ask the bus driver to send back the garbage can. Then I was gonna say something to my friend who was sitting with me, but instead I just started sobbing uncontrollably. She looked at me like I was crazy. It was because I was on the verge of puking and I'm deathly afraid of puking in public, I had a giant fight with my best friend that day, and my head was pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode.

x.x

 
I had a big breakdown yesterday when I was forced to go to this baby shower that I really didn't want to go to. Not only do I hate baby showers but big parties with crowds of people just freak me out. So I had a big fat crying fest in the bathroom. Which caused my mom to get angry at me which just had me crying even harder.

 
I don't ever recall having one. The opinions of others matter very much to me and the slightest thing can tick me off completely and make me snap, but I am just not the type to erupt. I am placed under constant stress everyday, what with exams and all and school plays a very important role in my life but I manage to cope with it all. I know I am weak on the inside but I'd never want to give that impression on the outside so I try to take control of my feelings and make sure that they don't get in the way. If there's any heat that I want to get rid off, I do it the old-fashioned way: crying of course! Mostly I cry out of anger and not sadness. Tears always help me feel relieved, almost as if all of my problems had evaporated on the spot. I have yet to have a breakdown but I'm sure its anywhere not soon.

 
Uh, the other day actually. ^^

My mom was calling me a liar all day because I stayed home. I really did think I was sick, okay? I felt like I was going to puke...

Then when my sister got home, at some point she also called me a liar. I growled and snarled and grabbed a water pistol in the bathroom, and shot myself repeatedly in the head. I felt the water drip down my face and screamed:

"THAT BETTER BE MY BLOOD!"

I vowed that if anyone else called me a liar, I was going to write it across my forehead in permanent marker. And I was as serious as a heartattack.

 
^ You've lost me. What's a water pistol, and why were you shooting yourself with it? o___o

Anyway, I almost had another one today. I had to eat disgusting school food because we ran out of roast beef and rolls, and I was beginning to feel sick. I was so grossed out from that nasty food that I almost threw up. And I freak out when I feel like throwing up. Ugh. Luckily, my friend had some fruit snacks and gave me one to get the taste out of my mouth and then I was better. xD

 
^ You've lost me. What's a water pistol, and why were you shooting yourself with it? o___o
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Uh, a squirt gun xD Like a mini super soaker xD

I don't really know why I shot myself with it though xD

 
Oh. I had another on today.

My father told me he was going to strangle me. He threatened to kill me and I broke down. I was crying in my room for hours, I was shaking and couldn't stand. After that I was pacing around my house wringing my hands (I always thought that was an expression, but it's not ._.) and I jumped at my own reflection in a glass door.

 
Most of the time when I'm depressed, I just lock myself up in my room, binge on food, listen to my music, read, and sleep. And I think of tomorrow, and how everything will get better in just 24 hours time.

I've done self-harm before. I nearly got caught once too, when my mum saw the fresh cuts on my arms and thighs during the summer when I was sleeping in shorts and a tank top and forgot to lock my door. I told her that I tripped and scraped myself on concerete steps. I felt horrible afterwards. I never did it again. This was almost a year ago.

I'm not saying that I don't have mental breakdowns, because I do. Usually I just keep silent and deal with it, but sometimes you just need to let it all out. My most vivid breakdown was also about a year ago.

My parents were criticizing me. About my grades, my friends, my body, my piano playing, my personality, and my eyesight. It wasn't the kind of criticism you'd want. One of their sentences struck out at me - "You're a pathetic, worthless girl. Did you know that?" Somehow, that made me realize that I hadn't heard "I love you," from them for.. a really long time. This triggered me to remember some horrible things people have said to me when I was younger. I ran off, locked myself in a bathroom, and cried. Had a complete meltdown right then and there. I don't know how long I was crying, but eventually I got tired and fell asleep. The next morning, I felt that the previous night had just been a horrible dream. My parents acted like nothing had happened. And then I understood. Life does go on, and you will too. That has been my motto ever since.

I've never told anyone this before. It feels a little better to have it off my chest at last, even if it's on the internet.

So, generally speaking, it takes quite a bit for me to break down like that.

 
In fourth grade, I wanted to kill myself. I was under so much pressure by the teachers, and when I messed up in recorder class, they made me feel awful. They told me they were ashamed of me, and that it was bad and what not. I didn't want to play recorder. I was just so used to being praised that when they belittled me over my inability to play the recorder, I just snapped. I had to go to the hospital and everything. It was because of the teachers- the guy who talked to me at the hospital even said it.

And then last February, I was having quite a few anxiety attacks. So much stress with moving to another state, my friends being cold to me, and it was just a lot. I even got put on zanex.

 
The only breakdowns I've ever had have been from being overworked and just pent-up stress.

Last week that happened, because I was out sick for two days, and despite the fact that I went up to all of my teachers and asked what I'd missed, none of them gave me a straight answer. So I had to do mounds of make-up work, all after a tiring volleyball meet.

I just started crying and refused to eat until about 9:30.

I act like such a baby it seems like.

Oh, and I'm sorry to hear about some of your past experiences with them. ]:

It's a mixture of all things at once that just makes people explode.

 
A girl was my best friend for 6 years and she would always hurt me. She was like half my size but she had muscles and she would hurt me and then act all inocent and no one would believe me. She also would say mean things to me and hurt my feeling and adventually I'd had enough and I yelled at her and pushed her and then ran off crying. The next day, she'd turned all of my friends against me. But this year I've found a really nice friend who i never fight with. I hang out with her more that my old best friend and now I have patched things up with both of them and we are all friends...

 
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